Funny in a kind of horrible ironic way isn't it that people are always ready to spout stories of horrible things happening to other people in order to give you perspective on your problems.
But is there a point where you can say yes but my life has been so mundanely shit for so long I really want to just give up living? Yes okay for me the depression is a large part in whats doing to talking but that aside truly come on. Yes okay I'm not being held at gun point in a Bombay hotel or starving in Africa but you know since the end of June the luckiest thing that has hap pend to me is that my Mum wasn't more seriously hurt when she fell down the stairs.
Now think about whiled I'm truly happy we got lucky and she wasn't badly hurt wouldn't have been a bit nicer if she hadn't fallen at all? So she didn't have to be sore and bruised so she wasn't slightly scared of going up and down stairs by herself. You know like every day when we haven't been lucky enough to not have her not hurt falling down the stairs.
Okay maybe today with Dory being ill. me having to rely on public transport, AOL deciding that suddenly we owe them 5 months payments despite neither them or the bank telling us that was the case so we have no home Internet things are particularly bad. But I don't see it getting better anytime soon and it hasn't suddenly dropped to being this rubbish just a seemingly never ending string of shit.
So am I allowed to give up yet?
Friday, 28 November 2008
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Love will tear us apart
Funny world really somethings that should hurt don't and some things that shouldn't do.
I've reached they point with a friend I can no longer deal with them so I've basically told them to go away which was a bit politer than my normal fuck off but then I don't burn bridges where it can be helped.
Thing is I feel quite good about it and I probably shouldn't because they are in a bad place but there is a limit to how much I can take in the form of them playing the victim over things I'm also tired of only being contacted when they either want help or want to moan because seemingly treating people equally means having to treat some people as more equal than others - a political hot potato most of my friends know to steer clear off with me.
Fair enough a lot of that is my problem I've always told them to contact me should they need something but after 4 months with only being talked to 3 times twice to moan once to ask for help I've pretty much realised I'm not wanted - lol. One of the bitterly funny things in this is one of the accusations chucked at me has been not knowing what is going on obviously I missed the days training in telepathy, trouble is then I find out whats going on and find what is said by them even when balanced out is mostly half truths I know they are half truths because when I mention them to this person they're blatant lies obviously they missed the remember what you told people course my only hope is other people will see through this ruse as well.
This as these things do reached a head when I received yet another whine this time both publicly and in private and on trying to placate things because they where starting to sound unsettlingly paranoid I received yet more blunt refusals to admit any blame for anything and a load of well frankly scarily paranoid ravings insulting and accusing not just me but a number of my friends, at the moment this is not something I feel I can deal with and until they learn to stop playing the victim I cannot see myself putting the extra effort in specially because it looks like anybody who doesn't buy the victim story is getting cut loose anyway, I don't think that's the best way to help them and I cannot stand by and watch others do it.
The 11th of the 11th is always a strangely cathartic day for me where a load of the ongoing stress in my mind gets put in order and perspective and I've realised what ever people think - and this person isn't clever enough to tell their side of things to people who wont report it back to me - I know I've done the right thing and at this blog entry I leave it my door will always be open to an extent but from here on in I want no further part in their pathetic games.
I've reached they point with a friend I can no longer deal with them so I've basically told them to go away which was a bit politer than my normal fuck off but then I don't burn bridges where it can be helped.
Thing is I feel quite good about it and I probably shouldn't because they are in a bad place but there is a limit to how much I can take in the form of them playing the victim over things I'm also tired of only being contacted when they either want help or want to moan because seemingly treating people equally means having to treat some people as more equal than others - a political hot potato most of my friends know to steer clear off with me.
Fair enough a lot of that is my problem I've always told them to contact me should they need something but after 4 months with only being talked to 3 times twice to moan once to ask for help I've pretty much realised I'm not wanted - lol. One of the bitterly funny things in this is one of the accusations chucked at me has been not knowing what is going on obviously I missed the days training in telepathy, trouble is then I find out whats going on and find what is said by them even when balanced out is mostly half truths I know they are half truths because when I mention them to this person they're blatant lies obviously they missed the remember what you told people course my only hope is other people will see through this ruse as well.
This as these things do reached a head when I received yet another whine this time both publicly and in private and on trying to placate things because they where starting to sound unsettlingly paranoid I received yet more blunt refusals to admit any blame for anything and a load of well frankly scarily paranoid ravings insulting and accusing not just me but a number of my friends, at the moment this is not something I feel I can deal with and until they learn to stop playing the victim I cannot see myself putting the extra effort in specially because it looks like anybody who doesn't buy the victim story is getting cut loose anyway, I don't think that's the best way to help them and I cannot stand by and watch others do it.
The 11th of the 11th is always a strangely cathartic day for me where a load of the ongoing stress in my mind gets put in order and perspective and I've realised what ever people think - and this person isn't clever enough to tell their side of things to people who wont report it back to me - I know I've done the right thing and at this blog entry I leave it my door will always be open to an extent but from here on in I want no further part in their pathetic games.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Today
90 years ago today the first world war ended, a day we attempt to remember the millions and millions of people of all nationalities who died fighting for one persons belief or another, most of all for me I remember today my Grandfather only a hero to those who knew him shot and wounded by a sniper in Notredame so he got an early trip home but was laid up in a military hospital until long after the end of the war. A man who never bragged of war who would rarely say more than a little about it all but today and on remembrance Sunday he would remember being there and his shoulders would drop for the friends he lost.
So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.
So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Sweet friend of misery
Depression is a lot easier to deal with when not smoking, I really thought it would be he other way round but it has been a lot better.
Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.
Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.
Sour note
So Glastonbury tickets on sale Sunday for the first time they are doing tickets on an early bird like option, also for the first time in a very long time I wont be sitting sweating over a keyboard trying for a ticket. At least not a ticket for myself anyway.
Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.
And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?
Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.
Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.
And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?
Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Bright side
Not all things are shit
As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.
Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.
Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order
For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.
As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.
Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.
Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order
For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
Aargh!
Why do I always feel guilty when my Dad rings up?
Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.
See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.
Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.
In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.
Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.
See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.
Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.
In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Only joking...
You know I often wonder if I'm kidding myself if really I'm tolerated instead of liked.
I'm not really sure if that thought displeases me because I must do something right just to be tolerated, nobody would tolerate somebody they don't like would they?
Erm I realise on reflection the questions a bit pointless as they aren't liable to read this, in fact who is reading this? As far as most of the people who use to are concerned this blog stopped without a trace a long time ago and I've yet to outwardly advertise that I'm running it again I should offer a prize to the first person who comments to say they are reading.
In fact there you go first person to comment on this blog gets a free piece of tat from my home, tis genius that should have you running to the comment box instantly.
On a similar note recent developments have lead to a musing again on the nature of friendships or at least my opinion of them. People do fucked up things including myself and my friends, sometimes my friends will do something I don't like whiled I will tell them of my dislike its not my job to judge them on it specially if their actions do not effect me. That's not to say I'd ignore blatant wrong doing but really if it doesn't concern me and they aren't making it my business then well its not my business.
Is that painfully naive?
I'm not really sure if that thought displeases me because I must do something right just to be tolerated, nobody would tolerate somebody they don't like would they?
Erm I realise on reflection the questions a bit pointless as they aren't liable to read this, in fact who is reading this? As far as most of the people who use to are concerned this blog stopped without a trace a long time ago and I've yet to outwardly advertise that I'm running it again I should offer a prize to the first person who comments to say they are reading.
In fact there you go first person to comment on this blog gets a free piece of tat from my home, tis genius that should have you running to the comment box instantly.
On a similar note recent developments have lead to a musing again on the nature of friendships or at least my opinion of them. People do fucked up things including myself and my friends, sometimes my friends will do something I don't like whiled I will tell them of my dislike its not my job to judge them on it specially if their actions do not effect me. That's not to say I'd ignore blatant wrong doing but really if it doesn't concern me and they aren't making it my business then well its not my business.
Is that painfully naive?
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Back....
So a much needed break was taken now a year since this began I'm back.
Some frankly major changes have happened since my last post possible the biggest being that as of yesterday I have been smoke free for a month, which considering it has been 3 years since I last even tried quitting is quite an achievement.
But more of that later in fact I'll dedicate an entire post to it just cause I'm more than a little proud of the achievements so far.
As always my understanding off the entire friendship thing vexes me , it has been a tough year people I thought I could rely on I've ended up needing to tell to back off whiled others have been there without call. I've decided to not save peoples feelings in this restart fuck'em I'm fairly sure I'll not say anything that cant be fixed if the friendship is worth it. As the year has rolled out we find out more and more just how badly Dory has been fucked over by somebody she befriended and trusted and if Dory who is a poster child for a good friend can be treated like that then I'm fairly sure I'll get no better anyway.
So normal tail of doom and gloom than?
No not entirely, actually quitting smoking seems to have had a major effect on the depression in that it hasn't been anywhere near as bad since stopping!
Who'd have thunk it quitting smoking good for you!!!!
Some frankly major changes have happened since my last post possible the biggest being that as of yesterday I have been smoke free for a month, which considering it has been 3 years since I last even tried quitting is quite an achievement.
But more of that later in fact I'll dedicate an entire post to it just cause I'm more than a little proud of the achievements so far.
As always my understanding off the entire friendship thing vexes me , it has been a tough year people I thought I could rely on I've ended up needing to tell to back off whiled others have been there without call. I've decided to not save peoples feelings in this restart fuck'em I'm fairly sure I'll not say anything that cant be fixed if the friendship is worth it. As the year has rolled out we find out more and more just how badly Dory has been fucked over by somebody she befriended and trusted and if Dory who is a poster child for a good friend can be treated like that then I'm fairly sure I'll get no better anyway.
So normal tail of doom and gloom than?
No not entirely, actually quitting smoking seems to have had a major effect on the depression in that it hasn't been anywhere near as bad since stopping!
Who'd have thunk it quitting smoking good for you!!!!
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
A break
From the Glastonbury coverage as riveting as it was.
Really have reached a point where I no longer feel this blog is helping I've done a lot with it and at times it has been cathartic to get certain thoughts out on here and it has certainly posed an interesting place to blog certain events over the last year.
Whiled it has taught me a lot about myself and the nature of life those teachings have lead to certain changes I feel as a person I need to make over the next 12 months if I'm going to get through what I need to get through and whiled I feel blogs will help this one isn't part of that thinking frankly the web itself doesn't pay much part in those changes and is a large part of my habits that needs to go.
I'm hoping by starting here it will lead to helping kick start the rest.
I thank you for reading this blog your feedback and encouragement has been a great help mostly for good I think. For now it will go undeleted as in time I may return, not to mention there is some good memories hidden away in these pages.
last one to leave turn the lights out.
Really have reached a point where I no longer feel this blog is helping I've done a lot with it and at times it has been cathartic to get certain thoughts out on here and it has certainly posed an interesting place to blog certain events over the last year.
Whiled it has taught me a lot about myself and the nature of life those teachings have lead to certain changes I feel as a person I need to make over the next 12 months if I'm going to get through what I need to get through and whiled I feel blogs will help this one isn't part of that thinking frankly the web itself doesn't pay much part in those changes and is a large part of my habits that needs to go.
I'm hoping by starting here it will lead to helping kick start the rest.
I thank you for reading this blog your feedback and encouragement has been a great help mostly for good I think. For now it will go undeleted as in time I may return, not to mention there is some good memories hidden away in these pages.
last one to leave turn the lights out.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Glastonbury 3
Friday
Started a bit grey and over cast but after a breakfast of pancakes cooked by the brother unit we headed out to see some bands and do a lot more bimbling.
Music started with a very good set by KT Tunstal as bouncy and lovely as always actually the first time I've seen her live and have to admit she was very good.
Then it was off to see The Hoosiers who would be a surprise element for me and one we went to purely on the recommendation of a friend and was really glad we did, pure bouncy cheesey pop at its very best with the full cast of sing along tunes, dancing girls and lots of smiles deffinitly a band I will be looking into more in the future.
Took a break from Band watching to eat and get ready for the night, weather had been unsettled all day with slight showers but it was just slush under foot no major mud yet, either way a change to warmer clothing was needed.
Getting back to camp we muttered that it looked like the rain was over for the day and better weather was coming whiled listening to Gossip on the main stage who also sounded really good
Next on our bill was the Fun Loving Criminals, arriving to the set slightly late was no problem as the whole crowd was bouncing to King Of New York when we arrived, we simply bounced through them until we found Sally and Deedub, cowering behind an Ice cream van whiled Huey pounded out easily the best set of the day a real greatest hits showcase with Scooby Snacks, Fun Loving Criminals and pretty much every other song that has made them a huge hit. Was great.
The rest of evening was spent bimbling around the site missing the big name acts in favour of the "secret" gig of Franz Ferdinand on the Park stage forgotten how much I liked these guys this was followed by more bimbling around the site despite it being the early hours of the morning definitely felt like it was drying out.
Started a bit grey and over cast but after a breakfast of pancakes cooked by the brother unit we headed out to see some bands and do a lot more bimbling.
Music started with a very good set by KT Tunstal as bouncy and lovely as always actually the first time I've seen her live and have to admit she was very good.
Then it was off to see The Hoosiers who would be a surprise element for me and one we went to purely on the recommendation of a friend and was really glad we did, pure bouncy cheesey pop at its very best with the full cast of sing along tunes, dancing girls and lots of smiles deffinitly a band I will be looking into more in the future.
Took a break from Band watching to eat and get ready for the night, weather had been unsettled all day with slight showers but it was just slush under foot no major mud yet, either way a change to warmer clothing was needed.
Getting back to camp we muttered that it looked like the rain was over for the day and better weather was coming whiled listening to Gossip on the main stage who also sounded really good
Next on our bill was the Fun Loving Criminals, arriving to the set slightly late was no problem as the whole crowd was bouncing to King Of New York when we arrived, we simply bounced through them until we found Sally and Deedub, cowering behind an Ice cream van whiled Huey pounded out easily the best set of the day a real greatest hits showcase with Scooby Snacks, Fun Loving Criminals and pretty much every other song that has made them a huge hit. Was great.
The rest of evening was spent bimbling around the site missing the big name acts in favour of the "secret" gig of Franz Ferdinand on the Park stage forgotten how much I liked these guys this was followed by more bimbling around the site despite it being the early hours of the morning definitely felt like it was drying out.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Glastonbury part 2
Thursday
Thursday starts bright and early no acts on until late on today so most of it was spent bimbling around, Dory runs off with Sally and Imp to buy fancy dress like items whiled I myself and the big brother unit meet up with the boy deedubya and sup a beer before having our own site wonder, now the idea was for a pub crawl but as usual we totally failed to get broken and the time was spent chatting and bimbling under the lovely summer sun taking in the sites.
Meeting back up with the girls for a spot of lunch where we discovered the most disappointing toasted sandwiches, now yes I'm getting old but the idea of a toasted sandwich seemed like a winner for a lunch time snack and Glastonbury food is normally a lot better than the standard festival fair. Mistake forgot my golden rule of buying no food within site of the Pyramid stage and we ended up with tiny pannini bread cheese sandwiches barely worth the effort of waiting for the buggers to be cooked, never mind lesson learned early this year.
Now the next part of the day is open to debate see the plan was to return to the tents get dressed up in fancy dress gear and return for a 4pm meet, now I know I buggered up and didn't say to Sally whose idea it was "Don't do it 4pm is a bloody silly time for a meet" but I should have done. 4pm meet meant it was 6 and a half hours before acts where on people wanted to see it was also during the late afternoon crash time where people have done their exploring and where resting up ready for the night time shenanigans hanging around in fancy dress for that amount of time wasn't really going to be a goer unless mass amounts of alcohol was consumed. But we carried on regardless managing to get the mead crew moving barely an hour late - fancy dress not being a major issue for us as myself and imp relied on a change of top (in my case including a name badge with God on it) only Blabber and Dory went whole hog Blabber in full clockwork Orange gear and Dory in a little green fairy outfit (She looked so sweet).
The meet was great as always Sally and Dee doing the Dread pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup from The Princess' Bride not to mention Smurfs, Fairys, Tigers, cross dressing and Nuns a plenty was a lot of fun and a chance to give Debs whose Birthday is this week a birthday cake and a group cheer.
Things did bugger up a bit when the heavens opened and it started to piss with rain, the curse of Glastonbury had returned with a vengeance I stuck it out for a few hours but decided to retreat back to base camp to change to warmer drier clothes before coming back, well that was the plan...
Will mention here my new tent tis lovely and on the Thursday it paid for itself as I was able to stand up inside it strip off wet gear and change to dry stuff without crawling around on the floor or getting wet stuff in the sleeping area.
The change of clothes lifted my mood again a happier drier but absolutely shattered (I think by this point I'd had 9 hours sleep in 3 days) so instead of bimbling back down myself imp and Dory sat under the gazebo chatting before going our separate ways to bed
Cont....
Thursday starts bright and early no acts on until late on today so most of it was spent bimbling around, Dory runs off with Sally and Imp to buy fancy dress like items whiled I myself and the big brother unit meet up with the boy deedubya and sup a beer before having our own site wonder, now the idea was for a pub crawl but as usual we totally failed to get broken and the time was spent chatting and bimbling under the lovely summer sun taking in the sites.
Meeting back up with the girls for a spot of lunch where we discovered the most disappointing toasted sandwiches, now yes I'm getting old but the idea of a toasted sandwich seemed like a winner for a lunch time snack and Glastonbury food is normally a lot better than the standard festival fair. Mistake forgot my golden rule of buying no food within site of the Pyramid stage and we ended up with tiny pannini bread cheese sandwiches barely worth the effort of waiting for the buggers to be cooked, never mind lesson learned early this year.
Now the next part of the day is open to debate see the plan was to return to the tents get dressed up in fancy dress gear and return for a 4pm meet, now I know I buggered up and didn't say to Sally whose idea it was "Don't do it 4pm is a bloody silly time for a meet" but I should have done. 4pm meet meant it was 6 and a half hours before acts where on people wanted to see it was also during the late afternoon crash time where people have done their exploring and where resting up ready for the night time shenanigans hanging around in fancy dress for that amount of time wasn't really going to be a goer unless mass amounts of alcohol was consumed. But we carried on regardless managing to get the mead crew moving barely an hour late - fancy dress not being a major issue for us as myself and imp relied on a change of top (in my case including a name badge with God on it) only Blabber and Dory went whole hog Blabber in full clockwork Orange gear and Dory in a little green fairy outfit (She looked so sweet).
The meet was great as always Sally and Dee doing the Dread pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup from The Princess' Bride not to mention Smurfs, Fairys, Tigers, cross dressing and Nuns a plenty was a lot of fun and a chance to give Debs whose Birthday is this week a birthday cake and a group cheer.
Things did bugger up a bit when the heavens opened and it started to piss with rain, the curse of Glastonbury had returned with a vengeance I stuck it out for a few hours but decided to retreat back to base camp to change to warmer drier clothes before coming back, well that was the plan...
Will mention here my new tent tis lovely and on the Thursday it paid for itself as I was able to stand up inside it strip off wet gear and change to dry stuff without crawling around on the floor or getting wet stuff in the sleeping area.
The change of clothes lifted my mood again a happier drier but absolutely shattered (I think by this point I'd had 9 hours sleep in 3 days) so instead of bimbling back down myself imp and Dory sat under the gazebo chatting before going our separate ways to bed
Cont....
Glastonbury Part 1
Sorry for the long break obviously I have been to Glastonbury and it has taken this long to get my head around normal things let alone The Blog.
Glastonbury a review
Tuesday
The day we travel down to camp near the site and with previous issues over shadowing our run up to the festival meant we had nothing planned or organised so the morning was spent throwing stuff from bedroom, shed and bathroom into bags then throwing bags into the car. But never fear we had our trusty Sat Nav to (borrowed from the folks) to guide us to our destination the Isle of Avalon campsite in Glastonbury.
The Sat Nav had two route options shortest and Quickest both lead us through the centre of Milton Keynes and neither where a fats worth of good when it lead us out into the middle of nowhere and ditched us with no frigging signal in the wilds of Somerset - fucker!
Now I could moan and blame the Sat Nav but frankly its my own fault yet again I trusted to technology instead of my own knowledge, why do I do that M11 - M25 - M4 - M5 - A39 just under 4 hours with stops Sat Nav route Milton Keynes - Fuck knows - fuck knows - Bath - Fuck knows - Shepton Mallet - give up follow signs = 6 and a half hours.
Arrive in Glastonbury Isle of Avalon shattered but in reasonable spirits stuck up small over night tent to find we hadn't aired it since its soaking last Glastonbury so have the lovely smell of damp and mildew. Dory has the frankly genius idea of using the Neutradol car air freshener to clear out the smell which she does pity the Neutradol is akin to tear gas so tent is a no go area until the smell calms down a bit, which frankly was a blessing as it gave us chance to sink a few beers and chat with old friends when they returned from the pub was a nice night sleep was heavily interrupted by the comedy stylings of G, Scrapper and Ade and their 2 hour quick line before bed routine which had us almost on our knees laughing a funny end to a stressful day.
Wednesday
Up at 6am to be ready for a 7am pre-fest meet at the Sainsbury Carpark in Street - this obviously sounded a great idea before sitting up chatting to G etc until 4am! Anyway first things first pack tent away smell of mildew has returned with force so salvage tent pegs and the rest is left in one of the huge wheelie bins at the campsite as the chances of salvage where minimal. Then its off to Street to meet Imp and Blabber two friends we will be camping with during the festival.
Sat Nav is left dumped at the bottom of the bag Street is a ten minute journey I really don't need to add a few hours to it - still add some as we start off by heading in the wrong direction, DOH!
But get there eventually and the find the usual suspects in the normal spot, it is great to see them I hadn't seen Imp for nearly a year and Blabber not since my Birthday last year so hugs all around toilet stop and off to the festival which for once isn't a bad get in 45 minutes from Sainsburys to Car Park and another bonus we are right next to the gate, pity the gate is the other side of the festival to where we camp but cant have everything.
Another 40 minutes is spent dragging all the kit from Gate D to Michael's Mead our chosen campsite but the weather is good and despite temptation to just dump stuff in a verity of different campsites we make it and meet up with Zane and Riff other fellow Meaders, being part of the advance gaurd has benefits as we get setup and watch the rest follow suite starting with my older brother and a workmate who is on her first Glastonbury. I love seeing people when they first come to Glastonbury truly there is nothing like the site no UK festival comes close to the sheer scale of Glastonbury.
Once everybody arrives the party begins and I mean the party begins as it was Zanes 50th Birthday a few weeks before the festival and I'd decided this event shouldn't go unmarked so all the meaders where given instructions to bring kids party supplies - really did try and keep this simple but possible I should have been clearer as party supplies seems to mean to some people Sausage rolls, 13 different types to be exact luckily I like sausage rolls lol
Then its of to the magical cider bus to meet up with the rest of the pants crew and partake of a few beverages to wash down the Birthday cake and sausage rolls, was a lot of fun drinking beer sitting on the grass just having a laugh made a massive change to the mud and sludge of previous years specially as the pants crew seems to grow each year.
The day finished off with Dory and myself having a wonder around the site just the two of us it was lovely and time together we very much needed.
Continued...
Glastonbury a review
Tuesday
The day we travel down to camp near the site and with previous issues over shadowing our run up to the festival meant we had nothing planned or organised so the morning was spent throwing stuff from bedroom, shed and bathroom into bags then throwing bags into the car. But never fear we had our trusty Sat Nav to (borrowed from the folks) to guide us to our destination the Isle of Avalon campsite in Glastonbury.
The Sat Nav had two route options shortest and Quickest both lead us through the centre of Milton Keynes and neither where a fats worth of good when it lead us out into the middle of nowhere and ditched us with no frigging signal in the wilds of Somerset - fucker!
Now I could moan and blame the Sat Nav but frankly its my own fault yet again I trusted to technology instead of my own knowledge, why do I do that M11 - M25 - M4 - M5 - A39 just under 4 hours with stops Sat Nav route Milton Keynes - Fuck knows - fuck knows - Bath - Fuck knows - Shepton Mallet - give up follow signs = 6 and a half hours.
Arrive in Glastonbury Isle of Avalon shattered but in reasonable spirits stuck up small over night tent to find we hadn't aired it since its soaking last Glastonbury so have the lovely smell of damp and mildew. Dory has the frankly genius idea of using the Neutradol car air freshener to clear out the smell which she does pity the Neutradol is akin to tear gas so tent is a no go area until the smell calms down a bit, which frankly was a blessing as it gave us chance to sink a few beers and chat with old friends when they returned from the pub was a nice night sleep was heavily interrupted by the comedy stylings of G, Scrapper and Ade and their 2 hour quick line before bed routine which had us almost on our knees laughing a funny end to a stressful day.
Wednesday
Up at 6am to be ready for a 7am pre-fest meet at the Sainsbury Carpark in Street - this obviously sounded a great idea before sitting up chatting to G etc until 4am! Anyway first things first pack tent away smell of mildew has returned with force so salvage tent pegs and the rest is left in one of the huge wheelie bins at the campsite as the chances of salvage where minimal. Then its off to Street to meet Imp and Blabber two friends we will be camping with during the festival.
Sat Nav is left dumped at the bottom of the bag Street is a ten minute journey I really don't need to add a few hours to it - still add some as we start off by heading in the wrong direction, DOH!
But get there eventually and the find the usual suspects in the normal spot, it is great to see them I hadn't seen Imp for nearly a year and Blabber not since my Birthday last year so hugs all around toilet stop and off to the festival which for once isn't a bad get in 45 minutes from Sainsburys to Car Park and another bonus we are right next to the gate, pity the gate is the other side of the festival to where we camp but cant have everything.
Another 40 minutes is spent dragging all the kit from Gate D to Michael's Mead our chosen campsite but the weather is good and despite temptation to just dump stuff in a verity of different campsites we make it and meet up with Zane and Riff other fellow Meaders, being part of the advance gaurd has benefits as we get setup and watch the rest follow suite starting with my older brother and a workmate who is on her first Glastonbury. I love seeing people when they first come to Glastonbury truly there is nothing like the site no UK festival comes close to the sheer scale of Glastonbury.
Once everybody arrives the party begins and I mean the party begins as it was Zanes 50th Birthday a few weeks before the festival and I'd decided this event shouldn't go unmarked so all the meaders where given instructions to bring kids party supplies - really did try and keep this simple but possible I should have been clearer as party supplies seems to mean to some people Sausage rolls, 13 different types to be exact luckily I like sausage rolls lol
Then its of to the magical cider bus to meet up with the rest of the pants crew and partake of a few beverages to wash down the Birthday cake and sausage rolls, was a lot of fun drinking beer sitting on the grass just having a laugh made a massive change to the mud and sludge of previous years specially as the pants crew seems to grow each year.
The day finished off with Dory and myself having a wonder around the site just the two of us it was lovely and time together we very much needed.
Continued...
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Meh
Title pretty much sums it up
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
Friday, 20 June 2008
Update
Lots happened this week
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The power of triggers
Sorry the updates have been slow recently have been busy and for once fairly well balanced, tis good.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Sweet memory
The rain on canvas
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Epiphany
Sometimes coming out of a dark spot is a slow gradual release, sometimes it just happens.
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Fear of being caught out
Bipolar or just a fucked up personality?
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
Monday, 9 June 2008
Happy new week
Well the weekend was fantastic chatting around a campfire till early hours consuming my body weight in beer and barbeque food with great friends and well at least on Sunday great weather, tis great.
Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....
A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.
Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....
A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.
Friday, 6 June 2008
How you doin?
Well the manik'ness of yesterday has calmed a bit leaving a weird contemplative mood.
See when trying to make up my mind how to feel about something, no strike that the very fact I have to decide how to feel about something is enough, you see depression often runs matters where feelings are concerned and from experience it isn't the best judge of situation.
I know, I know there is a theory that you can decide how you feel about anything
But frankly its bullshit something pisses you off then well, it pisses you off you just choose to show it or not the other detail is most people don't even think about it, but knowing you have a problem with emotion it makes you (or at least me) hyper aware of how I should be feeling and try to rationalise what is going on in the hope of understanding if it is current mood, depression or actually the situation that makes me feel the way I do.
So yeah massive over thinking going on here which is only going to lead to a viscous circle batter around for awhile cause annoyance and more grief until I finally let it go after all it is a combination of hundreds of things that make now and besides I'm buggering off camping at the weekend to test some gear out before Glastonbury hopefully it will give me the motivation needed to say bugger it take some time away again chill out and let people chase me instead of vice versa because on that I know I'm right.
See when trying to make up my mind how to feel about something, no strike that the very fact I have to decide how to feel about something is enough, you see depression often runs matters where feelings are concerned and from experience it isn't the best judge of situation.
I know, I know there is a theory that you can decide how you feel about anything
But frankly its bullshit something pisses you off then well, it pisses you off you just choose to show it or not the other detail is most people don't even think about it, but knowing you have a problem with emotion it makes you (or at least me) hyper aware of how I should be feeling and try to rationalise what is going on in the hope of understanding if it is current mood, depression or actually the situation that makes me feel the way I do.
So yeah massive over thinking going on here which is only going to lead to a viscous circle batter around for awhile cause annoyance and more grief until I finally let it go after all it is a combination of hundreds of things that make now and besides I'm buggering off camping at the weekend to test some gear out before Glastonbury hopefully it will give me the motivation needed to say bugger it take some time away again chill out and let people chase me instead of vice versa because on that I know I'm right.
Thursday, 5 June 2008
Its depression mania woo
Okay for only the second time in my blog history I'm posting twice in one day "Go me!"
But I've posted a lot about the downer side of Depression but never the manic side ands as today is fueled by it possible a good time to introduce things.
So currently I'm shaking, talking twenty to the dozen and everything is in slow motion I swear it has been 10 to 2 for the last hour concentration is fucked as the attention span resembles a goldfish doing things is difficult because it will get obsessive quickly if I eat I wont stop caffeine is a major no no likewise alcohol because I wont stop I've been down the pub like this and swallowed 8 pints without pause walked home sober (that's a lot for me I'm not a huge drinker normally) it doesn't work like a down turn when down I'm only depressed that's the mood no matter what on the upswing it could be anything small things bounce mood off in different ways I can have a blazing row one minute be happy and loving the next, when somebody with depression falls off the rails it is normally on the upturn because really fucking stupid things suddenly become great ideas. A fellow sufferer use to get wired and drink coffee by the pint then constantly moan because they couldn't sleep "I cant sleep so I'm going to have to have a coffee" its daft and self defeating but that's how it is I get ratty because life is slow then wonder why others are upset I just don't get it so have a row because they are upset despite them being upset because I was ratty with them earlier but by then I've moved on. Today is a particularly bad day at home I just do the cleaning and can pace it out hard wearing on the carpet but it helps at work i have to try and settle to work speed which is currently too slow. Specially because I'm waiting for customers to figure out what the hell they are meant to be doing.
Scary? Normally I would edit as I go then double check for grammar errors today I quite like it without that read as is and it might give you and example of how the old noggin is going
E2A: I love the fact it took me two attempts to spell grammar
But I've posted a lot about the downer side of Depression but never the manic side ands as today is fueled by it possible a good time to introduce things.
So currently I'm shaking, talking twenty to the dozen and everything is in slow motion I swear it has been 10 to 2 for the last hour concentration is fucked as the attention span resembles a goldfish doing things is difficult because it will get obsessive quickly if I eat I wont stop caffeine is a major no no likewise alcohol because I wont stop I've been down the pub like this and swallowed 8 pints without pause walked home sober (that's a lot for me I'm not a huge drinker normally) it doesn't work like a down turn when down I'm only depressed that's the mood no matter what on the upswing it could be anything small things bounce mood off in different ways I can have a blazing row one minute be happy and loving the next, when somebody with depression falls off the rails it is normally on the upturn because really fucking stupid things suddenly become great ideas. A fellow sufferer use to get wired and drink coffee by the pint then constantly moan because they couldn't sleep "I cant sleep so I'm going to have to have a coffee" its daft and self defeating but that's how it is I get ratty because life is slow then wonder why others are upset I just don't get it so have a row because they are upset despite them being upset because I was ratty with them earlier but by then I've moved on. Today is a particularly bad day at home I just do the cleaning and can pace it out hard wearing on the carpet but it helps at work i have to try and settle to work speed which is currently too slow. Specially because I'm waiting for customers to figure out what the hell they are meant to be doing.
Scary? Normally I would edit as I go then double check for grammar errors today I quite like it without that read as is and it might give you and example of how the old noggin is going
E2A: I love the fact it took me two attempts to spell grammar
Am I bothered
Cus your lovely you are and its your nature to bother
A nice but cheeky compliment from a friend on a forum which leads to the question
Am I lovely because I bother or a cunt because I only do it because its my nature and I actually don't want to do it?
I mean I do try and do the right thing for people which leads to a wonderful depression backlash so it ends up
A. Paranoia kicks in about having really done the right thing, did I look to eager to help, are they now taking the piss?
B. Cynicism kicks in am I running around whiled they take advantage of the fact they know I'll help them
C. Mania kicks in and I run around doing shit loads of helpful stuff which doesn't actually need doing.
D. I end up feeling guilty and trying to help people out where I should actually be pissed off with them and the last thing I should be doing is running around after them and end up hating the situation, myself and them.
Tis all good fun excuse the irony, now some people think its over thinking and it doesn't matter as long as you bother. Which is fine and no doubt the cop out for those that don't bother because as long as it gets done everybody is happy, obviously except for the poor fucker that does bother. Humm tis a tricky one
I've had an example for this but it wouldn't be fair as I've learnt recently the people that matter to me and read this blog are the only ones who worry that it is them causing these thoughts where as the bigger culprits of life and nature don't give a stuff. So why post anything that upsets them, which limits things a bit but no doubt I'll work it out.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Dreams
Funny enough I've never had much problems with dreams its one area depression rarely seems to effect me, what few dreams I have and remember are more like daydreams where I have control over events and often create the situation (Winning the lottery, Summer Glau, whipped cream etc) which is fine and dandy pretty much everyday stuff and been a happy release from the world of the everyday and lets me get on with the important business of sleeping
So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?
So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Life update
So frustrated at the moment just as we see a goal post in sight some bugger moves it, currently our year is on hold whiled we try and find out what is happening with Dorys job and the possible redundancy, shit enough that their would be no final definite answer until the day before Glastonbury but no... Some piss poor excuse for a chief Exec has decided to go on Holiday for a week now either he is the most thoughtless gimp to walk the face of the earth or some twazzock didn't think to check the leave calendars before scheduling the times for the reshuffle either way all the people whose careers are on the line have to wait an extra week before their are any answers whiled this git suns himself on Holiday.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
Monday, 2 June 2008
AAAAARRRRRGH!
Chronic repetitive migraines
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Doing the right thing
Now I'm not a classically nice person even with the usual draw backs of depression I'm lazy, quick to criticize and well frankly and insults come quicker to mind than anything pleasant.
But I do try and do the right thing
Like most of my blog posts this has been brought to mind by recent events first and foremost a recent event leading to a change of mind and whiled I am confident I or I should say we did the right thing I'm still left feeling shitty that I've let good friends of mine down something, I like to think is a very rare thing not helped by not being entirely honest.
A little thing on the honesty thing sometimes due to the way I am I feel it is necessary to not be honest, after all "We haven't the money", "We are busy" or "I'm not well" all hold a chunk of truth and sound better than "Actually I'd rather be dead than leave the house" I know very few people who understand the downer* with depression all those that do also have depression.
But anyhoo last weekend we dropped out of going to Bearded Theory festival which I have no doubt will be one of the small festival highlights of the year ad it is organised with the help of one of my best friends and was attended by a large group of my friends so not something I miss lightly, now okay the primary reason we gave for not going is money. Now whiled money is an issue we could have afforded it but the fact is after events over the last few weeks myself and Dory where at breaking point (hell even breaking up point) we needed time just us to sort through more critical to me was the fact Dory was down funny thing is I'm use to being down and laugh it off eventually but Dory isn't and I'm not use to her being down to the extent I nearly missed the signs which IS something I feel guilty about and frankly for me is unforgivable. I was so wrapped up in my own downer I nearly missed my wife reaching breaking point and only talking t her over the last few days has really brought it home just how bad she was getting this is something I will not let it happen again.
Right anyway enough prattle I need some Mariokart action just wanted to get that off my chest.
*I must write about the upside of things sometime
But I do try and do the right thing
Like most of my blog posts this has been brought to mind by recent events first and foremost a recent event leading to a change of mind and whiled I am confident I or I should say we did the right thing I'm still left feeling shitty that I've let good friends of mine down something, I like to think is a very rare thing not helped by not being entirely honest.
A little thing on the honesty thing sometimes due to the way I am I feel it is necessary to not be honest, after all "We haven't the money", "We are busy" or "I'm not well" all hold a chunk of truth and sound better than "Actually I'd rather be dead than leave the house" I know very few people who understand the downer* with depression all those that do also have depression.
But anyhoo last weekend we dropped out of going to Bearded Theory festival which I have no doubt will be one of the small festival highlights of the year ad it is organised with the help of one of my best friends and was attended by a large group of my friends so not something I miss lightly, now okay the primary reason we gave for not going is money. Now whiled money is an issue we could have afforded it but the fact is after events over the last few weeks myself and Dory where at breaking point (hell even breaking up point) we needed time just us to sort through more critical to me was the fact Dory was down funny thing is I'm use to being down and laugh it off eventually but Dory isn't and I'm not use to her being down to the extent I nearly missed the signs which IS something I feel guilty about and frankly for me is unforgivable. I was so wrapped up in my own downer I nearly missed my wife reaching breaking point and only talking t her over the last few days has really brought it home just how bad she was getting this is something I will not let it happen again.
Right anyway enough prattle I need some Mariokart action just wanted to get that off my chest.
*I must write about the upside of things sometime
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
New beginning a late introduction
Okay a bit of house clearing and on we go, I realise looking back I've never written an introduction to this blog.
So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.
I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression
I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.
To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.
But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.
Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.
Any hoo enough twaddle for now
So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.
I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression
I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.
To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.
But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.
Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.
Any hoo enough twaddle for now
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Yuck
This blog has been getting to personal for too long
Changes need to be made
But I'm buggered if I know what
Changes need to be made
But I'm buggered if I know what
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Purge a memory
Lithium
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I'm so lonely 'cause today
I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
Almost forgotten in the ticket hype 14 years ago last Saturday Kurt Cobain took his own life, the above song stopped me taking my own RIP kurt
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I'm so lonely 'cause today
I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
Almost forgotten in the ticket hype 14 years ago last Saturday Kurt Cobain took his own life, the above song stopped me taking my own RIP kurt
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Relative theory
If time is relative and the last hour has felt like 6 hours
Have I aged 1 hour or 6?
I'm feeling: Bored
Media for the moment: Juno just "aquired" a copy on DVD
Today’s negative: It has 24 hours
Today’s Positive: Only 30 minutes left till I go home
Have I aged 1 hour or 6?
I'm feeling: Bored
Media for the moment: Juno just "aquired" a copy on DVD
Today’s negative: It has 24 hours
Today’s Positive: Only 30 minutes left till I go home
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Should I stay or Should I go
Ever been addicted to something but not able to walk away?
And I don't mean like smoking or Alcohol but situations or places, where you go and despite it annoying you, you keep finding reasons to go back. Like prodding at a bad tooth waiting for the pain you get more and more wound up with yourself as much as anything but again you tumble back there "just going for a look".
My vice for this is message boards and web forums I'm normally a member of at least 3 or 4 at any one time, recently I have cut down as my interest in them has waned leaving just a faithful few where either I have an interest in the subject of the forum or one's where I know a lot of the people involved unsurprisingly it is the latter where I'm having the mental song and dance with - for those of you from that forum that read this and twig I suggest you read the rest of the blog to understand where this all comes from.
To be clear I consider many of the people there to be good friends who if I lost contact with them I'd really miss them but this isn't about friendship as I do like most of the members of the forum it's the attitudes that I have come to loathe and the attitude of the forum, more than anything I'm fed up with trying to change it, or sorting out petty squabbles. It's just a forum is an amazing cry from most members (myself included) which does really poke against the idea that it is a site for friends to keep in contact with each other, see in my mind the two aren't interchangeable you are either amongst friends or you are just on a forum and if it is just a forum why not open the doors to all comers?
To be honest the best thing I can do is walk away give it time and go back later when my heads cleared, but frankly I'm shit at that and find myself muddling along there again just to see how so and so is doing before long I'm dragged into it again, I could delete my account which has a certain level of temptation, but I wont because I still want to be involved I just wish I could make myself do it on my own terms.
I'm feeling: Frustrated
Media for the moment: Juno - Saw it last Friday and loved it what a great film
Today’s negative: The above waffle to be honest
Today’s Positive: Chris Moyles played the theme tune to Ducktales this morning so i shouted along, I loved that cartoon.
And I don't mean like smoking or Alcohol but situations or places, where you go and despite it annoying you, you keep finding reasons to go back. Like prodding at a bad tooth waiting for the pain you get more and more wound up with yourself as much as anything but again you tumble back there "just going for a look".
My vice for this is message boards and web forums I'm normally a member of at least 3 or 4 at any one time, recently I have cut down as my interest in them has waned leaving just a faithful few where either I have an interest in the subject of the forum or one's where I know a lot of the people involved unsurprisingly it is the latter where I'm having the mental song and dance with - for those of you from that forum that read this and twig I suggest you read the rest of the blog to understand where this all comes from.
To be clear I consider many of the people there to be good friends who if I lost contact with them I'd really miss them but this isn't about friendship as I do like most of the members of the forum it's the attitudes that I have come to loathe and the attitude of the forum, more than anything I'm fed up with trying to change it, or sorting out petty squabbles. It's just a forum is an amazing cry from most members (myself included) which does really poke against the idea that it is a site for friends to keep in contact with each other, see in my mind the two aren't interchangeable you are either amongst friends or you are just on a forum and if it is just a forum why not open the doors to all comers?
To be honest the best thing I can do is walk away give it time and go back later when my heads cleared, but frankly I'm shit at that and find myself muddling along there again just to see how so and so is doing before long I'm dragged into it again, I could delete my account which has a certain level of temptation, but I wont because I still want to be involved I just wish I could make myself do it on my own terms.
I'm feeling: Frustrated
Media for the moment: Juno - Saw it last Friday and loved it what a great film
Today’s negative: The above waffle to be honest
Today’s Positive: Chris Moyles played the theme tune to Ducktales this morning so i shouted along, I loved that cartoon.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Isn't it amazing how many times you have a conversation that goes "Oh did you hear so and so the other night"
"No they're shit"
"Oh have you heard them before then"
"No"
How the hell do people manage to form such a complete opinion on something with absolutely no experience of it? Its genius really wish I could do it. Would certainly save me hours of my life experiencing different music, films, people etc if I could just say no its shit and have people instantly respect my right to give that opinion and have it as valid as anybody else’s.
Well at least they don't wimp out and say "It just doesn't appeal" or "Not something that interests me really" heaven forbid they would spare anybody else’s feelings on the matter.
I'm feeling: Tired but happy
Media for the moment: Nirvana - Dumb
Today’s negative: Tired, keep trying to catch up with my sleep but it keeps getting away
Today’s Positive: Friends of mine are back from holiday and have been in touch.
"No they're shit"
"Oh have you heard them before then"
"No"
How the hell do people manage to form such a complete opinion on something with absolutely no experience of it? Its genius really wish I could do it. Would certainly save me hours of my life experiencing different music, films, people etc if I could just say no its shit and have people instantly respect my right to give that opinion and have it as valid as anybody else’s.
Well at least they don't wimp out and say "It just doesn't appeal" or "Not something that interests me really" heaven forbid they would spare anybody else’s feelings on the matter.
I'm feeling: Tired but happy
Media for the moment: Nirvana - Dumb
Today’s negative: Tired, keep trying to catch up with my sleep but it keeps getting away
Today’s Positive: Friends of mine are back from holiday and have been in touch.
Friday, 7 March 2008
The definitive festival lists
Okay from memory Deedub will be back next week so the legendary http://theblogoflists.blogspot.com/ will be running again, so this will be last of my knock off versions for awhile.
So I dedicate it to a subject close to my heart MUSIC FESTIVALS
First of a list of the top five English music festivals (In my personal opinion of course)
1. Glastonbury - The Daddy still the biggest and best in the UK
2. Beautiful Days - Still my favourite small festival and one I hope to return too soon
3. Strawberry fayre - Last of the original Fayres and best free festival in the UK
4. Reading/Leeds - If the line up is your thing these tend to have all the best acts
5. Stamford River festival - Made the for the randomness of lots of very pristine middle class people in a beautiful river side location with some mad at your Dad rap metal pounding away on stage, genius!
(I kept this list to 5 due to only wanting to include ongoing music festivals that I've actually been too)
Kit list - ten things you should always take to a festival
1. Dust bin bags - keep your campsite clean and brilliant for DIY seats and waterproofs
2. Tent - well duh
3. Gaffer tape - I've yet to not use up at least one roll of this at any festival
4. Bog roll - No really festivals don't often provide them
5. Wet Wipes - The Pikey wash option
6. Leatherman tool - For some reason I turn into Mr DIY at festivals
7. Good waterproofs - and I mean GOOD waterproofs festivals can leave you standing in the rain for hours on end best be ready.
8. Suncream - trust me sunburn is no fun at festivals
9. Military Poncho - Another multi use item good for all occasions
10. Good boots - no matter what the weather you will walk miles at festivals and night times rough ground, dropped rubbish and low light can lead to nasty sprains, I go for German paraboots personally but whatever works for you.
10 top tips
1. Take only what you can afford to lose
2. Have a list of things you want to see but remember to take time just to go with the flow
3. Put your bog roll on a loop of blue string so you can hang it around your neck when you go to the loo, it keeps it dry and will stop you losing it
4. Insulate under your bedding you will lose most heat when you are trying to sleep through the ground so a good insulated ground sheet is a must
5. No such thing as the wrong weather just the wrong clothes, pack your gear with that in mind but don't forget most stuff can be brought inside the festival if really needed.
6. Take time to people watch, some of my best festival moments have come about through this advice.
7. After pitching your tents mark in your mind three large permanent landmarks to help navigation back to your tent when you are feeling a bit special
8. Drink plenty of water, the key to a healthy and active festival keep the water levels up and it will help you deal with hangovers, tiredness and even the dreaded festival belly.
9. Look after yourself and others, take time to talk to those camped near you and they will help keep an eye on your gear whiled you do so for them.
10. When buying anything be it food, drink or festival tat get away from the main stages prices tend to drop the further from the main routes you are.
Hope you have enjoyed my journey into the world of lists over time I may add a few more, but for now I'll return to bitching and moaning.
So I dedicate it to a subject close to my heart MUSIC FESTIVALS
First of a list of the top five English music festivals (In my personal opinion of course)
1. Glastonbury - The Daddy still the biggest and best in the UK
2. Beautiful Days - Still my favourite small festival and one I hope to return too soon
3. Strawberry fayre - Last of the original Fayres and best free festival in the UK
4. Reading/Leeds - If the line up is your thing these tend to have all the best acts
5. Stamford River festival - Made the for the randomness of lots of very pristine middle class people in a beautiful river side location with some mad at your Dad rap metal pounding away on stage, genius!
(I kept this list to 5 due to only wanting to include ongoing music festivals that I've actually been too)
Kit list - ten things you should always take to a festival
1. Dust bin bags - keep your campsite clean and brilliant for DIY seats and waterproofs
2. Tent - well duh
3. Gaffer tape - I've yet to not use up at least one roll of this at any festival
4. Bog roll - No really festivals don't often provide them
5. Wet Wipes - The Pikey wash option
6. Leatherman tool - For some reason I turn into Mr DIY at festivals
7. Good waterproofs - and I mean GOOD waterproofs festivals can leave you standing in the rain for hours on end best be ready.
8. Suncream - trust me sunburn is no fun at festivals
9. Military Poncho - Another multi use item good for all occasions
10. Good boots - no matter what the weather you will walk miles at festivals and night times rough ground, dropped rubbish and low light can lead to nasty sprains, I go for German paraboots personally but whatever works for you.
10 top tips
1. Take only what you can afford to lose
2. Have a list of things you want to see but remember to take time just to go with the flow
3. Put your bog roll on a loop of blue string so you can hang it around your neck when you go to the loo, it keeps it dry and will stop you losing it
4. Insulate under your bedding you will lose most heat when you are trying to sleep through the ground so a good insulated ground sheet is a must
5. No such thing as the wrong weather just the wrong clothes, pack your gear with that in mind but don't forget most stuff can be brought inside the festival if really needed.
6. Take time to people watch, some of my best festival moments have come about through this advice.
7. After pitching your tents mark in your mind three large permanent landmarks to help navigation back to your tent when you are feeling a bit special
8. Drink plenty of water, the key to a healthy and active festival keep the water levels up and it will help you deal with hangovers, tiredness and even the dreaded festival belly.
9. Look after yourself and others, take time to talk to those camped near you and they will help keep an eye on your gear whiled you do so for them.
10. When buying anything be it food, drink or festival tat get away from the main stages prices tend to drop the further from the main routes you are.
Hope you have enjoyed my journey into the world of lists over time I may add a few more, but for now I'll return to bitching and moaning.
Thursday, 6 March 2008
The rich list
Suppose as I'm doing lists I'd better cover the new Forbes rich list out today, the top ten are:
FORBES TOP 10 (in $bn)
Warren Buffett (US): 62
Carlos Slim (Mexico): 60
Bill Gates (US): 58
Lakshmi Mittal (India): 45
Mukesh Ambani (India): 43
Anil Ambani (India): 42
Ingvar Kamprad (Sweden): 31
KP Singh (US): 30
Oleg Deripaska (Russia): 28
Karl Albrecht (Germany): 27
10 facts about the list
1. A record 1,125 individuals with a combined net worth of $4.4 trillion made it into Forbes' 2008 list of billionaires.
2. Never before in human history have so many people in so many parts of the world advanced so quickly economically
3. Two-thirds of those on the list are classified as self-made billionaires, and 50 of them are under the age of 40.
4. Mark Zuckerberg, 23, the founder of the social networking site Facebook, joins the list as the world's youngest billionaire.
5. Bill Gates was the world's richest man for 13 years - but no more
His $1.5bn fortune makes him the world's 785th richest person, Forbes reports.
6. Patrice Motsepe joins the list as South Africa's first black billionaire with a net worth of $2.4bn.
7. The world's richest woman is the French L'Oreal chief, Liliane Bettencourt, 17th on the Forbes list with a net wealth of $22.9bn.
8. Other inclusions in the ultra-rich list include US chat-show host Oprah Winfrey, ($2.5bn), property mogul Donald Trump ($3bn), and Harry Potter author JK Rowling ($1bn).
9. If the top 100 hundred on this list clubbed together they could clear the entire national debt of the third world and still make it onto the list next year
10. I've run out of facts so here's the link to the forbes site to find out more for yourself - http://www.forbes.com/
FORBES TOP 10 (in $bn)
Warren Buffett (US): 62
Carlos Slim (Mexico): 60
Bill Gates (US): 58
Lakshmi Mittal (India): 45
Mukesh Ambani (India): 43
Anil Ambani (India): 42
Ingvar Kamprad (Sweden): 31
KP Singh (US): 30
Oleg Deripaska (Russia): 28
Karl Albrecht (Germany): 27
10 facts about the list
1. A record 1,125 individuals with a combined net worth of $4.4 trillion made it into Forbes' 2008 list of billionaires.
2. Never before in human history have so many people in so many parts of the world advanced so quickly economically
3. Two-thirds of those on the list are classified as self-made billionaires, and 50 of them are under the age of 40.
4. Mark Zuckerberg, 23, the founder of the social networking site Facebook, joins the list as the world's youngest billionaire.
5. Bill Gates was the world's richest man for 13 years - but no more
His $1.5bn fortune makes him the world's 785th richest person, Forbes reports.
6. Patrice Motsepe joins the list as South Africa's first black billionaire with a net worth of $2.4bn.
7. The world's richest woman is the French L'Oreal chief, Liliane Bettencourt, 17th on the Forbes list with a net wealth of $22.9bn.
8. Other inclusions in the ultra-rich list include US chat-show host Oprah Winfrey, ($2.5bn), property mogul Donald Trump ($3bn), and Harry Potter author JK Rowling ($1bn).
9. If the top 100 hundred on this list clubbed together they could clear the entire national debt of the third world and still make it onto the list next year
10. I've run out of facts so here's the link to the forbes site to find out more for yourself - http://www.forbes.com/
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Telephones
I really dislike telephones which is sadly ironic as I work on a Helpdesk where the phones ringing all the time, though this is possible in its self enough of a reason to hate them.
But no, I hate them for the complete lack of manners.
Imagine yourself sitting at home watching TV maybe having a crafty snuggle with the missus or in the middle of eating your tea, when somebody comes running in screaming "TALK TO ME, TALK TO ME". Annoying yes?
But it's exactly what telephones allow people to do, shouting for your attention cause somebody wants to sell you double fucking glazing or more annoyingly wants to sell you another fucking phone FUCK OFF!
And they are 24/7 there is no escape any time of the night or day it can just go off with another person demanding your attention or most usually demand you listen to their sales pitch oh but you cant unplug the fucking thing after all it might be an emergency somebody might desperately need you, though lets be honest that's is about o.o1% of the time but who knows it might be which is really just the negative version of buying a lottery ticket.
On the reverse I love text messages being able to fire of random thoughts and messages to family and friends for them to read at their leisure and just as importantly I can read at my leisure or just click delete when I'm not interested. I love getting random text messages from friends which is unusual for me as I've never really bothered about stuff like that but it is nice to know how they are and how they are doing.
I'm covering up that I'm missing my friends who are away on holiday well aren't I?
I'm feeling: Tired everything feels far to much effort and most likely is
Media for the moment: Nirvana Serve the servants
Today's negative: Far, far to busy with people wasting my time and needing their hand holding
Today's Positive: A customer taking a moment to acknowledge they had been rude and to say thank you for my time.
But no, I hate them for the complete lack of manners.
Imagine yourself sitting at home watching TV maybe having a crafty snuggle with the missus or in the middle of eating your tea, when somebody comes running in screaming "TALK TO ME, TALK TO ME". Annoying yes?
But it's exactly what telephones allow people to do, shouting for your attention cause somebody wants to sell you double fucking glazing or more annoyingly wants to sell you another fucking phone FUCK OFF!
And they are 24/7 there is no escape any time of the night or day it can just go off with another person demanding your attention or most usually demand you listen to their sales pitch oh but you cant unplug the fucking thing after all it might be an emergency somebody might desperately need you, though lets be honest that's is about o.o1% of the time but who knows it might be which is really just the negative version of buying a lottery ticket.
On the reverse I love text messages being able to fire of random thoughts and messages to family and friends for them to read at their leisure and just as importantly I can read at my leisure or just click delete when I'm not interested. I love getting random text messages from friends which is unusual for me as I've never really bothered about stuff like that but it is nice to know how they are and how they are doing.
I'm covering up that I'm missing my friends who are away on holiday well aren't I?
I'm feeling: Tired everything feels far to much effort and most likely is
Media for the moment: Nirvana Serve the servants
Today's negative: Far, far to busy with people wasting my time and needing their hand holding
Today's Positive: A customer taking a moment to acknowledge they had been rude and to say thank you for my time.
To Hell and back again the horror movies lists
I know I'm going to run the there and back again thing into the ground at this rate, but hay ho tis all good.
Right after discovering a "expert" opinion list of Sci-Fi movies I thought I would try and see if I can find a similar thing for Horror films, I mean phsycologists seem to be ten a penny surely some one might have asked them what they think of a few movies?
But so far my search has been fruitless but I will continue and bring you the results should they appear, for now I give you the film experts opinions from Rotten Tomatoes http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/ who may not be horror specialists but do know an awful lot about films
1. Psycho (1960)
Is there any suitable argument why Psycho wouldn't be numero uno on the list? After all, Hitchcock's masterpiece not only changed the public's sentiment on showering -- the lather, rinse and repeat routine was never the same again -- but it also single-handedly invented the modern horror film. What makes the film such a terrifying experience is a combination of supremely eerie elements: The lonely motel, the equally lonely but clearly mentally unstable Norman Bates and, lest we forget, dear 'ol Mother. Despite a series of substandard sequels and Gus Van Sant's ill-fated attempt at remaking the film frame-by-frame with none other than man-boy Vince Vaughn on board, the flawlessly executed original will forever remain a classic.
2. King Kong (1933)
When you think of what makes up a horror movie, the first thing that generally comes to mind is something along the lines of blood, guts and gore, not necessarily a gigantic gorilla. But that, friends, is the great thing about King Kong -- it's not a horror movie in the traditional sense. Sure, at first glance Kong appears to be just another hirsute monster wreaking havoc on the big screen, but he's not so much a creature of destruction as he is a misunderstood beast provoked to unleash aggression in order to live up to an image of being a beastly eighth wonder of the world. Looking back, the special effects of the 1933 film may pale in comparison to the modern-day wizardry seen in Peter Jackson's update. However, director Merian C. Cooper certainly deserves recognition for paving the way for future special effects spectacles like Jurassic Park -- not to mention the creature-feature in general.
3. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Nothing is more annoying than having a conversation interrupted by brain-eating zombies. Just ask Shaun, the title character of Edgar Wright's instant horror-comedy hit Shaun of the Dead. The slacker's mundane existence is turned upside down when the Walking dead suddenly begin taking over the city, which only further throws a wrench into his plan to win back the waning affection of his girlfriend. The killer comedy from 2004 achieved cult status for its distinctly British flare and, of course, for its cast of slowly, shuffling zombies that all too fittingly reflect the monotony of the living world.
4. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Courtesy of Knocked Up, we've seen the consequences of a one-night stand. So, what could possibly be worse than giving birth to Seth Rogen's offspring? Uh, how about popping out Lucifer's lovechild? In Roman Polanski's insanely creepy 1968 film Rosemary's Baby, that's the unfortunate fate of Mia Farrow's character. After having a hellish dream involving a tryst with the Beast, Rosemary descends into a state of paranoia and madness with the belief that she's been impregnated with a demon seed. The success of the film is due in part to the ambiguity that Polanski presents; we never really know if all this is just a hallucination.
5. The Devil's Backbone (2001)
Guillermo del Toro's The Devil's Backbone is a beautiful, haunting ghost story that suggests restless spirits aren't necessarily always intent on sending shivers up our spines, but perhaps attempting to communicate a message to the living in the hope of finding peace in the afterlife. Set against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War, The Devil's Backbone focuses on an orphan named Carlos who encounters the ghost of Santi, a young boy who recently died during an attack. Once Carlos learns the truth behind Santi's passing, he makes a promise to avenge the boy's death. A meditation on the horror and atrocities of war, del Toro's dark tale effectively breathes life into the oft-tired genre of ghost stories.
6. 28 Days Later (2003)
Set in an unnaturally desolate London, 28 Days Later showcases the aftermath of a pandemic viral outbreak that results when a team of well-intentioned animal rights activists release caged primates infected with the virus. The disease, simply known as "the rage," is transmitted through blood and transforms the average citizen into a murderous fiend. The infected, while not zombies per se, take on a similar quality in that they attack en masse, but with much more skill and agility than the walking-dead. While Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later is rooted in fantasy, the film ruminates on the possibility of a man-made contagion being released and the effects it would have on the world at large. And honestly, what's scarier than that?
7. The Evil Dead (1979)
Oh, Bruce Campbell, our ample chinned hero. Where would slapstick horror-comedy be without you? To its credit, The Evil Dead is responsible for introducing the low-budget cinema cult icon to horror hounds around the globe. And so, for that reason alone, the film should be heralded as a classic. Sure, its plot is generic -- as if we have any doubts about the fate of a group of friends traveling into the woods these days -- but it's become a staple of late-night popcorn sessions. The Evil Dead also gave new meaning to the warning: "Don't go into the woods alone." Need viewers be reminded of the forest's, uh, sexual appetite?
8. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Rife with campy sensibilities, The Bride of Frankenstein is a combination of horror and comedy, but not necessarily in the same vein as, say, The Evil Dead or Shaun of the Dead. The film's comedic underpinnings are evident in the overly dramatic facial expressions of the bride, who manages to evoke a belly laugh with a simple turn of the head. However, James Whale's picture is still very much a horror film -- the monsters, after all, are assembled from dead bodies. As far as Frankenstein sequels go, The Bride of Frankenstein is by far the most worthwhile of the bunch.
9. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn is a low-budget horror comedy at its best. The blood-soaked splatter fest takes the typical horror set-up -- a group of friends visit the woods where evil rears its ugly head and all-out madness ensues -- and makes a satire of it. The extreme violence and gore that saturates this sequel to The Evil Dead isn't intended to shock viewers, but rather inspire audiences to keel over with laughter because of the sheer absurdity of it all. As evidenced by the complete Evil Dead trilogy, director Sam Raimi and his horror cohort Bruce Campbell have a knack for turning scary into funny without compromising those essential nausea-inducing moments of gore.
10. Repulsion (1965)
At its core, Roman Polanski's wicked psychological thriller Repulsion is a tale of madness and paranoia. Carol, played by the enigmatic Catherine Deneuve, is convinced that pretty much any man is a potential assailant, due to some seriously repressed sexual feelings. When Carol's sister leaves for the weekend, the young woman is left alone, and madness slowly begins to set in. Eventually, the young woman's hallucinations inspire violence, and she kills any man she deems the least bit threatening. This beautifully-shot black-and-white film was Polanksi's first in English, and is often considered one his greatest achievements.
I'm really struggling to think of a definitive top ten of horror films as there is loads I love, but currently it looks something like this
1. Night/Dawn/Day/Land of the Dead by George A Romero - I love Zombie films, I love survivor flicks these are the daddies of them both (Cheap 80s remakes aside)
2. The Exorcist (1973) - Genius film far ahead of its time and still scary 30 odd years on
3. Poltergeist - The slow build up and false ending keep me riveted a really well told story
4. Friday the 13th - For me the best of the slasher films a cracking series not let down to badly by the sequels and remakes (unlike Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street)
5. The Omen (1976) - Another creepy kid film with a great mixture of mood and music setting each scene
6. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - The Daddy of gore films, great, scary and gross film often copied never beaten
7. Blair Witch - You either got this film or didn't I did and loved it
8. The Hills have eyes (1977) - I'll never forget the first time I saw this film and the fact it actually had me on the edge of my seat waiting for what happens next (remake wasn't bad either)
9. The Evil Dead - had to make an appearance on here at some point
10. Any of the Hammer horror films - A cop out choice but they're all good
You'll note I've missed out Shaun Of The Dead because well frankly its possible a forerunner in my greatest movies of all time list and far more than a Horror film
Right after discovering a "expert" opinion list of Sci-Fi movies I thought I would try and see if I can find a similar thing for Horror films, I mean phsycologists seem to be ten a penny surely some one might have asked them what they think of a few movies?
But so far my search has been fruitless but I will continue and bring you the results should they appear, for now I give you the film experts opinions from Rotten Tomatoes http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/ who may not be horror specialists but do know an awful lot about films
1. Psycho (1960)
Is there any suitable argument why Psycho wouldn't be numero uno on the list? After all, Hitchcock's masterpiece not only changed the public's sentiment on showering -- the lather, rinse and repeat routine was never the same again -- but it also single-handedly invented the modern horror film. What makes the film such a terrifying experience is a combination of supremely eerie elements: The lonely motel, the equally lonely but clearly mentally unstable Norman Bates and, lest we forget, dear 'ol Mother. Despite a series of substandard sequels and Gus Van Sant's ill-fated attempt at remaking the film frame-by-frame with none other than man-boy Vince Vaughn on board, the flawlessly executed original will forever remain a classic.
2. King Kong (1933)
When you think of what makes up a horror movie, the first thing that generally comes to mind is something along the lines of blood, guts and gore, not necessarily a gigantic gorilla. But that, friends, is the great thing about King Kong -- it's not a horror movie in the traditional sense. Sure, at first glance Kong appears to be just another hirsute monster wreaking havoc on the big screen, but he's not so much a creature of destruction as he is a misunderstood beast provoked to unleash aggression in order to live up to an image of being a beastly eighth wonder of the world. Looking back, the special effects of the 1933 film may pale in comparison to the modern-day wizardry seen in Peter Jackson's update. However, director Merian C. Cooper certainly deserves recognition for paving the way for future special effects spectacles like Jurassic Park -- not to mention the creature-feature in general.
3. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Nothing is more annoying than having a conversation interrupted by brain-eating zombies. Just ask Shaun, the title character of Edgar Wright's instant horror-comedy hit Shaun of the Dead. The slacker's mundane existence is turned upside down when the Walking dead suddenly begin taking over the city, which only further throws a wrench into his plan to win back the waning affection of his girlfriend. The killer comedy from 2004 achieved cult status for its distinctly British flare and, of course, for its cast of slowly, shuffling zombies that all too fittingly reflect the monotony of the living world.
4. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Courtesy of Knocked Up, we've seen the consequences of a one-night stand. So, what could possibly be worse than giving birth to Seth Rogen's offspring? Uh, how about popping out Lucifer's lovechild? In Roman Polanski's insanely creepy 1968 film Rosemary's Baby, that's the unfortunate fate of Mia Farrow's character. After having a hellish dream involving a tryst with the Beast, Rosemary descends into a state of paranoia and madness with the belief that she's been impregnated with a demon seed. The success of the film is due in part to the ambiguity that Polanski presents; we never really know if all this is just a hallucination.
5. The Devil's Backbone (2001)
Guillermo del Toro's The Devil's Backbone is a beautiful, haunting ghost story that suggests restless spirits aren't necessarily always intent on sending shivers up our spines, but perhaps attempting to communicate a message to the living in the hope of finding peace in the afterlife. Set against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War, The Devil's Backbone focuses on an orphan named Carlos who encounters the ghost of Santi, a young boy who recently died during an attack. Once Carlos learns the truth behind Santi's passing, he makes a promise to avenge the boy's death. A meditation on the horror and atrocities of war, del Toro's dark tale effectively breathes life into the oft-tired genre of ghost stories.
6. 28 Days Later (2003)
Set in an unnaturally desolate London, 28 Days Later showcases the aftermath of a pandemic viral outbreak that results when a team of well-intentioned animal rights activists release caged primates infected with the virus. The disease, simply known as "the rage," is transmitted through blood and transforms the average citizen into a murderous fiend. The infected, while not zombies per se, take on a similar quality in that they attack en masse, but with much more skill and agility than the walking-dead. While Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later is rooted in fantasy, the film ruminates on the possibility of a man-made contagion being released and the effects it would have on the world at large. And honestly, what's scarier than that?
7. The Evil Dead (1979)
Oh, Bruce Campbell, our ample chinned hero. Where would slapstick horror-comedy be without you? To its credit, The Evil Dead is responsible for introducing the low-budget cinema cult icon to horror hounds around the globe. And so, for that reason alone, the film should be heralded as a classic. Sure, its plot is generic -- as if we have any doubts about the fate of a group of friends traveling into the woods these days -- but it's become a staple of late-night popcorn sessions. The Evil Dead also gave new meaning to the warning: "Don't go into the woods alone." Need viewers be reminded of the forest's, uh, sexual appetite?
8. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Rife with campy sensibilities, The Bride of Frankenstein is a combination of horror and comedy, but not necessarily in the same vein as, say, The Evil Dead or Shaun of the Dead. The film's comedic underpinnings are evident in the overly dramatic facial expressions of the bride, who manages to evoke a belly laugh with a simple turn of the head. However, James Whale's picture is still very much a horror film -- the monsters, after all, are assembled from dead bodies. As far as Frankenstein sequels go, The Bride of Frankenstein is by far the most worthwhile of the bunch.
9. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn is a low-budget horror comedy at its best. The blood-soaked splatter fest takes the typical horror set-up -- a group of friends visit the woods where evil rears its ugly head and all-out madness ensues -- and makes a satire of it. The extreme violence and gore that saturates this sequel to The Evil Dead isn't intended to shock viewers, but rather inspire audiences to keel over with laughter because of the sheer absurdity of it all. As evidenced by the complete Evil Dead trilogy, director Sam Raimi and his horror cohort Bruce Campbell have a knack for turning scary into funny without compromising those essential nausea-inducing moments of gore.
10. Repulsion (1965)
At its core, Roman Polanski's wicked psychological thriller Repulsion is a tale of madness and paranoia. Carol, played by the enigmatic Catherine Deneuve, is convinced that pretty much any man is a potential assailant, due to some seriously repressed sexual feelings. When Carol's sister leaves for the weekend, the young woman is left alone, and madness slowly begins to set in. Eventually, the young woman's hallucinations inspire violence, and she kills any man she deems the least bit threatening. This beautifully-shot black-and-white film was Polanksi's first in English, and is often considered one his greatest achievements.
I'm really struggling to think of a definitive top ten of horror films as there is loads I love, but currently it looks something like this
1. Night/Dawn/Day/Land of the Dead by George A Romero - I love Zombie films, I love survivor flicks these are the daddies of them both (Cheap 80s remakes aside)
2. The Exorcist (1973) - Genius film far ahead of its time and still scary 30 odd years on
3. Poltergeist - The slow build up and false ending keep me riveted a really well told story
4. Friday the 13th - For me the best of the slasher films a cracking series not let down to badly by the sequels and remakes (unlike Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street)
5. The Omen (1976) - Another creepy kid film with a great mixture of mood and music setting each scene
6. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - The Daddy of gore films, great, scary and gross film often copied never beaten
7. Blair Witch - You either got this film or didn't I did and loved it
8. The Hills have eyes (1977) - I'll never forget the first time I saw this film and the fact it actually had me on the edge of my seat waiting for what happens next (remake wasn't bad either)
9. The Evil Dead - had to make an appearance on here at some point
10. Any of the Hammer horror films - A cop out choice but they're all good
You'll note I've missed out Shaun Of The Dead because well frankly its possible a forerunner in my greatest movies of all time list and far more than a Horror film
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
To space and back again the Sci-Fi list
Keeping my lists on a Sci-Fi feel for now I went in search of a definitive top ten list of the best Sci-Fi films, predictable this sort of list falls into 3 categories the expert panel, the viewers vote and of course the personal opinion. Never one to shy away from a task I'll try to represent all three here - though I'm slightly shocked that none of the available web ones are that recent!!!
First of one from the Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/) who selected a Panel of leading scientists who all gave their views on what makes a good Sci-Fi film and put forward their own favourites.
1. Blade Runner (1982) Dir: Ridley ScottWhether you prefer the original theatrical version (with a bored-sounding narration and without the famed unicorn scenes) or the director's cut of a few years later (sans narration and unicorn duly re-inserted), Blade Runner was the runaway favourite in our poll.
2. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) Dir: Stanley KubrickA very close second, this mystifying story came out of a collaboration between Kubrick and science fiction writer Arthur C Clarke. It achieved enormous fame for its then revolutionary special effects.
3. Star Wars (1977)/Empire Strikes Back (1980)The first two films of the original Star Wars trilogy make it onto the list probably for reasons of nostalgia rather than science.
4. Alien (1979) Dir: Ridley ScottRemembered for the iconic scene of an infant creature bursting bloodily through John Hurt's chest, but Alien was about much more. An interstellar mining vessel takes onboard a lifeform with concentrated acid for blood and two sets of jaws, which then messily dispatches the crew.
5. Solaris (1972) Dir: Andrei TarkovskyRemade by Steven Soderbergh in 2002, but the original still holds a fascination for fans of the novel by Stanislaw Lem. A psychologist travels to a base on a remote planet to replace a mysteriously deceased scientist. There he encounters the secretive survivors - and his dead wife. Reality is supplanted by the increasingly attractive alternative of the planet's alien intelligence.
6. Terminator (1984)/T2: Judgment day (1991) Dir: James CameronRobots from 2029 send a relentless cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) back to 1980s Los Angeles to assassinate the mother of a future human rebel. One of a few films to deal with problems of time travel, such as the grandfather paradox: if you travel back in time and kill your grandfather, you wouldn't exist so wouldn't be able to travel back in time to...
7. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) Dir: Robert WiseSet amid the cold war paranoia of postwar America, a flying saucer lands in Washington DC and a humanoid alien, Klaatu emerges, accompanied by his robot, Gort.
8. War of the Worlds (1953) Dir: Byron HaskinFamously adapted for radio by Orson Welles, HG Wells' tale of a Martian invasion of Earth became another cold war movie.
9. The Matrix (1999) Dir: Andy & Larry WachowskiCod philosophy, fetish clothing and incredibly cool special effects combined in 1999 for a fresh take on man-made artificial intelligence enslaving the planet.
10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) Dir: Steven Spielberg"We are not alone", declared the poster and this tale of Richard Dreyfus' escalating obsession with alien visitors against a backdrop of a secretive, omniscient government agency has provided the core of science fiction ever since.
The full list and high brow comments can be read here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/news/page/0,12983,1290764,00.html
Now comparatively a list of voters favourites taken from http://www.sfx.co.uk/ an online Sci-fi site - so its viewers really should know what they are talking about
Their top ten
1. Serenity
2. Star Wars
3. Blade Runner
4. Planet of the Apes
5. The Matrix
6. Alien
7. Forbidden Planet
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
9. The Terminator
10. Back to the Future
This poll was early last year so Serenity's popularity could be down to Serenity's and of course Fireflies resurgence as a geek fodder with the early curtailment of the series, but you can read their reactions here: http://www.sfx.co.uk/page/sfx?entry=lord_of_the_fireflies
Now of course personal opinion with the only opinion I trust on these matters
Mine
1. Blade Runner - this film is awesome whatever version you see and deserved its high positions in both the above polls.
2. Star Wars saga - yeah okay sullied slightly by the recent prequels and shunned by the so called intellectual crowd but still a great story containing every element of story telling you could want with effects far beyond anything seen before.
3. Serenity - Yea I'm all over this geek train, give Han Solo a break from the sulky Jedi and the bagel headed princess and he would be Capt. Malcolm 'Mal' Reynolds.
4. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - You don't need effects when you tell a story this good, funny thing is I watched it again the other day and the story still works some 50 odd years later, bloody hope the remake doesn't mess with it too much.
5. Alien - Should be standard watching for want to be directors a great lesson in how to build suspence and when to and when not to play by the conventional rules.
6. Barbarella - Because I'm male and have a pulse basically
7. Event Horizon - Just good Sci-Fi horror
8. The Thing - Scared the shit out of me as a child and still gets the pulse racing now
9. Donnie Darko - A great story one of a very few time travel movies that work
10. Back to the future - I hate time travel films but these work because they do show how actions effect the outcome through time which is more than most and good for basically a teen comedy
Wow possible my longest post yet but i can see why deedub is so interested in lists.
First of one from the Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/) who selected a Panel of leading scientists who all gave their views on what makes a good Sci-Fi film and put forward their own favourites.
1. Blade Runner (1982) Dir: Ridley ScottWhether you prefer the original theatrical version (with a bored-sounding narration and without the famed unicorn scenes) or the director's cut of a few years later (sans narration and unicorn duly re-inserted), Blade Runner was the runaway favourite in our poll.
2. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) Dir: Stanley KubrickA very close second, this mystifying story came out of a collaboration between Kubrick and science fiction writer Arthur C Clarke. It achieved enormous fame for its then revolutionary special effects.
3. Star Wars (1977)/Empire Strikes Back (1980)The first two films of the original Star Wars trilogy make it onto the list probably for reasons of nostalgia rather than science.
4. Alien (1979) Dir: Ridley ScottRemembered for the iconic scene of an infant creature bursting bloodily through John Hurt's chest, but Alien was about much more. An interstellar mining vessel takes onboard a lifeform with concentrated acid for blood and two sets of jaws, which then messily dispatches the crew.
5. Solaris (1972) Dir: Andrei TarkovskyRemade by Steven Soderbergh in 2002, but the original still holds a fascination for fans of the novel by Stanislaw Lem. A psychologist travels to a base on a remote planet to replace a mysteriously deceased scientist. There he encounters the secretive survivors - and his dead wife. Reality is supplanted by the increasingly attractive alternative of the planet's alien intelligence.
6. Terminator (1984)/T2: Judgment day (1991) Dir: James CameronRobots from 2029 send a relentless cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) back to 1980s Los Angeles to assassinate the mother of a future human rebel. One of a few films to deal with problems of time travel, such as the grandfather paradox: if you travel back in time and kill your grandfather, you wouldn't exist so wouldn't be able to travel back in time to...
7. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) Dir: Robert WiseSet amid the cold war paranoia of postwar America, a flying saucer lands in Washington DC and a humanoid alien, Klaatu emerges, accompanied by his robot, Gort.
8. War of the Worlds (1953) Dir: Byron HaskinFamously adapted for radio by Orson Welles, HG Wells' tale of a Martian invasion of Earth became another cold war movie.
9. The Matrix (1999) Dir: Andy & Larry WachowskiCod philosophy, fetish clothing and incredibly cool special effects combined in 1999 for a fresh take on man-made artificial intelligence enslaving the planet.
10. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) Dir: Steven Spielberg"We are not alone", declared the poster and this tale of Richard Dreyfus' escalating obsession with alien visitors against a backdrop of a secretive, omniscient government agency has provided the core of science fiction ever since.
The full list and high brow comments can be read here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/news/page/0,12983,1290764,00.html
Now comparatively a list of voters favourites taken from http://www.sfx.co.uk/ an online Sci-fi site - so its viewers really should know what they are talking about
Their top ten
1. Serenity
2. Star Wars
3. Blade Runner
4. Planet of the Apes
5. The Matrix
6. Alien
7. Forbidden Planet
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
9. The Terminator
10. Back to the Future
This poll was early last year so Serenity's popularity could be down to Serenity's and of course Fireflies resurgence as a geek fodder with the early curtailment of the series, but you can read their reactions here: http://www.sfx.co.uk/page/sfx?entry=lord_of_the_fireflies
Now of course personal opinion with the only opinion I trust on these matters
Mine
1. Blade Runner - this film is awesome whatever version you see and deserved its high positions in both the above polls.
2. Star Wars saga - yeah okay sullied slightly by the recent prequels and shunned by the so called intellectual crowd but still a great story containing every element of story telling you could want with effects far beyond anything seen before.
3. Serenity - Yea I'm all over this geek train, give Han Solo a break from the sulky Jedi and the bagel headed princess and he would be Capt. Malcolm 'Mal' Reynolds.
4. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - You don't need effects when you tell a story this good, funny thing is I watched it again the other day and the story still works some 50 odd years later, bloody hope the remake doesn't mess with it too much.
5. Alien - Should be standard watching for want to be directors a great lesson in how to build suspence and when to and when not to play by the conventional rules.
6. Barbarella - Because I'm male and have a pulse basically
7. Event Horizon - Just good Sci-Fi horror
8. The Thing - Scared the shit out of me as a child and still gets the pulse racing now
9. Donnie Darko - A great story one of a very few time travel movies that work
10. Back to the future - I hate time travel films but these work because they do show how actions effect the outcome through time which is more than most and good for basically a teen comedy
Wow possible my longest post yet but i can see why deedub is so interested in lists.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Here and back again the lists
Okay I like the template but for the next couple of weeks my friend and creater of http://www.theblogoflists.blogspot.com/ is on holiday, so I thought I would keep the lists going in his absence - though obviously with my own spin on it.
(Shit I've been wanting to nick that idea for ages)
To start with a list about both Tunisia AND Star Wars just to make Deedubya the author of blog of lists happy.
The top ten places a Star Wars geek should visit in Tunisia
1. Sidi Bouhel - the Juntland Wastes - This is where the Jawas captured R2D2 and of course the first place Luke met Obi Wan in episode 4 A New Hope
2. Chott El-Jerid - The Lars homestead - Luke adopted parents home and the site for Shmni Skywalkers funeral - Episodes 2 and 4
3. La Grande Dune - Dune Sea - R2-D2 and C-3PO crashed in Episode IV and where Ben Kenobi's hut and Jabba's Palace were supposedly located (in actuality these locations were shot elsewhere).
4. Ongh Djemel - The area overlooks the valley where Darth Sideous made his first appearance. It was also the set for the famous pod-race scenes and the location where Darth Maul launched the hunt for the Naboo Royal Starship and fought Qui-Gon Jinn.
5. Yardangs in Chott El-Gharsa - These rocks standing proud of the desert like shark fins where the backdrop for a number of Star Wars scenes, most notable the first duel between Qui con and Darth Maul (the metal frame for the gas ramp used by Ray Parks is still there) - A short distance from the Yardiangs is also where Anakins slave quarters and the mos Espa set was.
6. Matmata and the Sidi Driss Hotel - Where the internal shots for the Lars Homestead where shot
7. Medinene - Formed the backdrop for Anakins goodbye to his mother in Episode 1
8. Tatouine - Yep the town which lent its name to the planet from the film, interesting fact here is none of the film was filmed in Tatouine though the hills nearby where a regular locality shot.
9. The Isle of Djerba - home to 3 Star Wars destinations - Sidi Jemour, Obi Kenobi’s hut and Ajim.
10. Sidi Jemour - is where the scenes of Obi-Wan and Luke entering Mos Eisley were filmed. Rumour has it that a deleted exterior sequence for the Anchorhead was shot here as well.
(Shit I've been wanting to nick that idea for ages)
To start with a list about both Tunisia AND Star Wars just to make Deedubya the author of blog of lists happy.
The top ten places a Star Wars geek should visit in Tunisia
1. Sidi Bouhel - the Juntland Wastes - This is where the Jawas captured R2D2 and of course the first place Luke met Obi Wan in episode 4 A New Hope
2. Chott El-Jerid - The Lars homestead - Luke adopted parents home and the site for Shmni Skywalkers funeral - Episodes 2 and 4
3. La Grande Dune - Dune Sea - R2-D2 and C-3PO crashed in Episode IV and where Ben Kenobi's hut and Jabba's Palace were supposedly located (in actuality these locations were shot elsewhere).
4. Ongh Djemel - The area overlooks the valley where Darth Sideous made his first appearance. It was also the set for the famous pod-race scenes and the location where Darth Maul launched the hunt for the Naboo Royal Starship and fought Qui-Gon Jinn.
5. Yardangs in Chott El-Gharsa - These rocks standing proud of the desert like shark fins where the backdrop for a number of Star Wars scenes, most notable the first duel between Qui con and Darth Maul (the metal frame for the gas ramp used by Ray Parks is still there) - A short distance from the Yardiangs is also where Anakins slave quarters and the mos Espa set was.
6. Matmata and the Sidi Driss Hotel - Where the internal shots for the Lars Homestead where shot
7. Medinene - Formed the backdrop for Anakins goodbye to his mother in Episode 1
8. Tatouine - Yep the town which lent its name to the planet from the film, interesting fact here is none of the film was filmed in Tatouine though the hills nearby where a regular locality shot.
9. The Isle of Djerba - home to 3 Star Wars destinations - Sidi Jemour, Obi Kenobi’s hut and Ajim.
10. Sidi Jemour - is where the scenes of Obi-Wan and Luke entering Mos Eisley were filmed. Rumour has it that a deleted exterior sequence for the Anchorhead was shot here as well.
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