Meh

Title pretty much sums it up

I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.

Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!

Update

Lots happened this week

The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it

The bad

We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.

The Ugly

Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.

I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!

On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.

Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?

The power of triggers

Sorry the updates have been slow recently have been busy and for once fairly well balanced, tis good.

A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.

There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.

Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.

Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.

Sweet memory

The rain on canvas
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses


Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!

Epiphany

Sometimes coming out of a dark spot is a slow gradual release, sometimes it just happens.
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.

Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.

So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.

I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.

So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on

Fear of being caught out

Bipolar or just a fucked up personality?

Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.

First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.

Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!

I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)

I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.

You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!

I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....

No excuses no where to hide

I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.

I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.

Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.

See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol

Happy new week

Well the weekend was fantastic chatting around a campfire till early hours consuming my body weight in beer and barbeque food with great friends and well at least on Sunday great weather, tis great.

Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....

A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.

How you doin?

Well the manik'ness of yesterday has calmed a bit leaving a weird contemplative mood.

See when trying to make up my mind how to feel about something, no strike that the very fact I have to decide how to feel about something is enough, you see depression often runs matters where feelings are concerned and from experience it isn't the best judge of situation.

I know, I know there is a theory that you can decide how you feel about anything

But frankly its bullshit something pisses you off then well, it pisses you off you just choose to show it or not the other detail is most people don't even think about it, but knowing you have a problem with emotion it makes you (or at least me) hyper aware of how I should be feeling and try to rationalise what is going on in the hope of understanding if it is current mood, depression or actually the situation that makes me feel the way I do.

So yeah massive over thinking going on here which is only going to lead to a viscous circle batter around for awhile cause annoyance and more grief until I finally let it go after all it is a combination of hundreds of things that make now and besides I'm buggering off camping at the weekend to test some gear out before Glastonbury hopefully it will give me the motivation needed to say bugger it take some time away again chill out and let people chase me instead of vice versa because on that I know I'm right.

Its depression mania woo

Okay for only the second time in my blog history I'm posting twice in one day "Go me!"

But I've posted a lot about the downer side of Depression but never the manic side ands as today is fueled by it possible a good time to introduce things.

So currently I'm shaking, talking twenty to the dozen and everything is in slow motion I swear it has been 10 to 2 for the last hour concentration is fucked as the attention span resembles a goldfish doing things is difficult because it will get obsessive quickly if I eat I wont stop caffeine is a major no no likewise alcohol because I wont stop I've been down the pub like this and swallowed 8 pints without pause walked home sober (that's a lot for me I'm not a huge drinker normally) it doesn't work like a down turn when down I'm only depressed that's the mood no matter what on the upswing it could be anything small things bounce mood off in different ways I can have a blazing row one minute be happy and loving the next, when somebody with depression falls off the rails it is normally on the upturn because really fucking stupid things suddenly become great ideas. A fellow sufferer use to get wired and drink coffee by the pint then constantly moan because they couldn't sleep "I cant sleep so I'm going to have to have a coffee" its daft and self defeating but that's how it is I get ratty because life is slow then wonder why others are upset I just don't get it so have a row because they are upset despite them being upset because I was ratty with them earlier but by then I've moved on. Today is a particularly bad day at home I just do the cleaning and can pace it out hard wearing on the carpet but it helps at work i have to try and settle to work speed which is currently too slow. Specially because I'm waiting for customers to figure out what the hell they are meant to be doing.

Scary? Normally I would edit as I go then double check for grammar errors today I quite like it without that read as is and it might give you and example of how the old noggin is going

E2A: I love the fact it took me two attempts to spell grammar

Am I bothered

Cus your lovely you are and its your nature to bother

A nice but cheeky compliment from a friend on a forum which leads to the question

Am I lovely because I bother or a cunt because I only do it because its my nature and I actually don't want to do it?

I mean I do try and do the right thing for people which leads to a wonderful depression backlash so it ends up
A. Paranoia kicks in about having really done the right thing, did I look to eager to help, are they now taking the piss?
B. Cynicism kicks in am I running around whiled they take advantage of the fact they know I'll help them
C. Mania kicks in and I run around doing shit loads of helpful stuff which doesn't actually need doing.
D. I end up feeling guilty and trying to help people out where I should actually be pissed off with them and the last thing I should be doing is running around after them and end up hating the situation, myself and them.

Tis all good fun excuse the irony, now some people think its over thinking and it doesn't matter as long as you bother. Which is fine and no doubt the cop out for those that don't bother because as long as it gets done everybody is happy, obviously except for the poor fucker that does bother. Humm tis a tricky one
I've had an example for this but it wouldn't be fair as I've learnt recently the people that matter to me and read this blog are the only ones who worry that it is them causing these thoughts where as the bigger culprits of life and nature don't give a stuff. So why post anything that upsets them, which limits things a bit but no doubt I'll work it out.

Dreams

Funny enough I've never had much problems with dreams its one area depression rarely seems to effect me, what few dreams I have and remember are more like daydreams where I have control over events and often create the situation (Winning the lottery, Summer Glau, whipped cream etc) which is fine and dandy pretty much everyday stuff and been a happy release from the world of the everyday and lets me get on with the important business of sleeping

So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?

Life update

So frustrated at the moment just as we see a goal post in sight some bugger moves it, currently our year is on hold whiled we try and find out what is happening with Dorys job and the possible redundancy, shit enough that their would be no final definite answer until the day before Glastonbury but no... Some piss poor excuse for a chief Exec has decided to go on Holiday for a week now either he is the most thoughtless gimp to walk the face of the earth or some twazzock didn't think to check the leave calendars before scheduling the times for the reshuffle either way all the people whose careers are on the line have to wait an extra week before their are any answers whiled this git suns himself on Holiday.

For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.

I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.

AAAAARRRRRGH!

Chronic repetitive migraines
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.

Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.

The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!