Friday, 28 November 2008

Modern Life Is Rubbish

Funny in a kind of horrible ironic way isn't it that people are always ready to spout stories of horrible things happening to other people in order to give you perspective on your problems.

But is there a point where you can say yes but my life has been so mundanely shit for so long I really want to just give up living? Yes okay for me the depression is a large part in whats doing to talking but that aside truly come on. Yes okay I'm not being held at gun point in a Bombay hotel or starving in Africa but you know since the end of June the luckiest thing that has hap pend to me is that my Mum wasn't more seriously hurt when she fell down the stairs.
Now think about whiled I'm truly happy we got lucky and she wasn't badly hurt wouldn't have been a bit nicer if she hadn't fallen at all? So she didn't have to be sore and bruised so she wasn't slightly scared of going up and down stairs by herself. You know like every day when we haven't been lucky enough to not have her not hurt falling down the stairs.

Okay maybe today with Dory being ill. me having to rely on public transport, AOL deciding that suddenly we owe them 5 months payments despite neither them or the bank telling us that was the case so we have no home Internet things are particularly bad. But I don't see it getting better anytime soon and it hasn't suddenly dropped to being this rubbish just a seemingly never ending string of shit.

So am I allowed to give up yet?

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Love will tear us apart

Funny world really somethings that should hurt don't and some things that shouldn't do.

I've reached they point with a friend I can no longer deal with them so I've basically told them to go away which was a bit politer than my normal fuck off but then I don't burn bridges where it can be helped.

Thing is I feel quite good about it and I probably shouldn't because they are in a bad place but there is a limit to how much I can take in the form of them playing the victim over things I'm also tired of only being contacted when they either want help or want to moan because seemingly treating people equally means having to treat some people as more equal than others - a political hot potato most of my friends know to steer clear off with me.

Fair enough a lot of that is my problem I've always told them to contact me should they need something but after 4 months with only being talked to 3 times twice to moan once to ask for help I've pretty much realised I'm not wanted - lol. One of the bitterly funny things in this is one of the accusations chucked at me has been not knowing what is going on obviously I missed the days training in telepathy, trouble is then I find out whats going on and find what is said by them even when balanced out is mostly half truths I know they are half truths because when I mention them to this person they're blatant lies obviously they missed the remember what you told people course my only hope is other people will see through this ruse as well.

This as these things do reached a head when I received yet another whine this time both publicly and in private and on trying to placate things because they where starting to sound unsettlingly paranoid I received yet more blunt refusals to admit any blame for anything and a load of well frankly scarily paranoid ravings insulting and accusing not just me but a number of my friends, at the moment this is not something I feel I can deal with and until they learn to stop playing the victim I cannot see myself putting the extra effort in specially because it looks like anybody who doesn't buy the victim story is getting cut loose anyway, I don't think that's the best way to help them and I cannot stand by and watch others do it.

The 11th of the 11th is always a strangely cathartic day for me where a load of the ongoing stress in my mind gets put in order and perspective and I've realised what ever people think - and this person isn't clever enough to tell their side of things to people who wont report it back to me - I know I've done the right thing and at this blog entry I leave it my door will always be open to an extent but from here on in I want no further part in their pathetic games.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008


90 years ago today the first world war ended, a day we attempt to remember the millions and millions of people of all nationalities who died fighting for one persons belief or another, most of all for me I remember today my Grandfather only a hero to those who knew him shot and wounded by a sniper in Notredame so he got an early trip home but was laid up in a military hospital until long after the end of the war. A man who never bragged of war who would rarely say more than a little about it all but today and on remembrance Sunday he would remember being there and his shoulders would drop for the friends he lost.

So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Sweet friend of misery

Depression is a lot easier to deal with when not smoking, I really thought it would be he other way round but it has been a lot better.

Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.

Sour note

So Glastonbury tickets on sale Sunday for the first time they are doing tickets on an early bird like option, also for the first time in a very long time I wont be sitting sweating over a keyboard trying for a ticket. At least not a ticket for myself anyway.

Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.

And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?

Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Bright side

Not all things are shit

As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.

Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.

Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order

For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.

Saturday, 13 September 2008


Why do I always feel guilty when my Dad rings up?

Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.

See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.

Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.

In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.