Fear of being caught out

Bipolar or just a fucked up personality?

Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.

First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.

Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!

I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)

I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.

You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!

I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....

No excuses no where to hide

I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.

I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.

Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.

See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol