Rambling

Nobody is talking on the forums, guess the lazy feckers are actually doing some work or something.

So I'll just post a rambling thread here instead just for my audience of 4

Poor feckers

So this is my last day at work before jetting of to hopefully sunny Spain for a week and so far it has been a fucking shite week, if something at work could go wrong it has often in major stylee so bugger talking about work as its Friday and I'm sick of the place well in need of a Holiday.

Am currently thinking I wish I could do more for the couple who we are going on holiday with, so far this year they have been excellent to us but I feel we have done nothing for them other than be a burden. I know these feelings are heightened by the fact I'm a paranoid depressive nut, but still doesn't mean its not true. Just means it bugs me more than it would other people and fuck knows friendships are hard enough at the moment.

Relationships V Depression

I find relationships really difficult partly because I've always been fairly solitary (not always by choice) but because of the way depression effects me and my way of thinking. I just really struggle to accept that people like me and it really doesn't matter what they do to change that, even to the point a few have gone out of their way to be nice and friendly which ends up leaving me feeling worse because I have no idea how to return the favour and if I cannot return it I feel I'm missing an obligation, which when not returned makes me look like a I'm ungrateful and using them, thus they cannot like me.

Or maybe they don't like me and depression has nothing to do with it, which is always an option.

What also tends to happen is I over compensate for lacking the correct emotional response and must come across over the top and slightly creepy specially as I can never gauge how much somebody likes me so people who are nice in passing get called friend etc. So it's all pretty fucked really

Though possible I'm beating myself up for no reason, which is always an option.

But your married so relationships cannot be that hard?

Oh trust me in the beginning it was but I found somebody who actually enjoyed straight talking and understands that I'm detached at times. Being able to be brutally and bluntly honest with somebody is liberating and I think she likes it as well after all yes I do say some fairly horrible shit at times like "Your talking to much" and "No actually you don't look fat in that but you do look old" which must be a body blow but it also means she gets the flip side I don't pull punches if i like something or when (everyday) she looks good. I also don't play it cool so my comments aren't moderated to the situation and I give them freely and easily.

She also understands me to an extent and understands how I react to situations, like if I'm moaning a lot she knows it isn't personal and I'm actually really uncomfortable in the situation and misdirecting another common fault of mine.

More importantly we love each other and its something I have haven't doubted in years, no matter how far down I go, I have that and it really makes a shit load of difference even though I don't know why I don't doubt that, its just fixed in my mind and doesn't seem to change.

So yeah another post about depression but with a ray of sunshine.