Funny enough I've never had much problems with dreams its one area depression rarely seems to effect me, what few dreams I have and remember are more like daydreams where I have control over events and often create the situation (Winning the lottery, Summer Glau, whipped cream etc) which is fine and dandy pretty much everyday stuff and been a happy release from the world of the everyday and lets me get on with the important business of sleeping
So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Life update
So frustrated at the moment just as we see a goal post in sight some bugger moves it, currently our year is on hold whiled we try and find out what is happening with Dorys job and the possible redundancy, shit enough that their would be no final definite answer until the day before Glastonbury but no... Some piss poor excuse for a chief Exec has decided to go on Holiday for a week now either he is the most thoughtless gimp to walk the face of the earth or some twazzock didn't think to check the leave calendars before scheduling the times for the reshuffle either way all the people whose careers are on the line have to wait an extra week before their are any answers whiled this git suns himself on Holiday.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
Monday, 2 June 2008
AAAAARRRRRGH!
Chronic repetitive migraines
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Doing the right thing
Now I'm not a classically nice person even with the usual draw backs of depression I'm lazy, quick to criticize and well frankly and insults come quicker to mind than anything pleasant.
But I do try and do the right thing
Like most of my blog posts this has been brought to mind by recent events first and foremost a recent event leading to a change of mind and whiled I am confident I or I should say we did the right thing I'm still left feeling shitty that I've let good friends of mine down something, I like to think is a very rare thing not helped by not being entirely honest.
A little thing on the honesty thing sometimes due to the way I am I feel it is necessary to not be honest, after all "We haven't the money", "We are busy" or "I'm not well" all hold a chunk of truth and sound better than "Actually I'd rather be dead than leave the house" I know very few people who understand the downer* with depression all those that do also have depression.
But anyhoo last weekend we dropped out of going to Bearded Theory festival which I have no doubt will be one of the small festival highlights of the year ad it is organised with the help of one of my best friends and was attended by a large group of my friends so not something I miss lightly, now okay the primary reason we gave for not going is money. Now whiled money is an issue we could have afforded it but the fact is after events over the last few weeks myself and Dory where at breaking point (hell even breaking up point) we needed time just us to sort through more critical to me was the fact Dory was down funny thing is I'm use to being down and laugh it off eventually but Dory isn't and I'm not use to her being down to the extent I nearly missed the signs which IS something I feel guilty about and frankly for me is unforgivable. I was so wrapped up in my own downer I nearly missed my wife reaching breaking point and only talking t her over the last few days has really brought it home just how bad she was getting this is something I will not let it happen again.
Right anyway enough prattle I need some Mariokart action just wanted to get that off my chest.
*I must write about the upside of things sometime
But I do try and do the right thing
Like most of my blog posts this has been brought to mind by recent events first and foremost a recent event leading to a change of mind and whiled I am confident I or I should say we did the right thing I'm still left feeling shitty that I've let good friends of mine down something, I like to think is a very rare thing not helped by not being entirely honest.
A little thing on the honesty thing sometimes due to the way I am I feel it is necessary to not be honest, after all "We haven't the money", "We are busy" or "I'm not well" all hold a chunk of truth and sound better than "Actually I'd rather be dead than leave the house" I know very few people who understand the downer* with depression all those that do also have depression.
But anyhoo last weekend we dropped out of going to Bearded Theory festival which I have no doubt will be one of the small festival highlights of the year ad it is organised with the help of one of my best friends and was attended by a large group of my friends so not something I miss lightly, now okay the primary reason we gave for not going is money. Now whiled money is an issue we could have afforded it but the fact is after events over the last few weeks myself and Dory where at breaking point (hell even breaking up point) we needed time just us to sort through more critical to me was the fact Dory was down funny thing is I'm use to being down and laugh it off eventually but Dory isn't and I'm not use to her being down to the extent I nearly missed the signs which IS something I feel guilty about and frankly for me is unforgivable. I was so wrapped up in my own downer I nearly missed my wife reaching breaking point and only talking t her over the last few days has really brought it home just how bad she was getting this is something I will not let it happen again.
Right anyway enough prattle I need some Mariokart action just wanted to get that off my chest.
*I must write about the upside of things sometime
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
New beginning a late introduction
Okay a bit of house clearing and on we go, I realise looking back I've never written an introduction to this blog.
So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.
I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression
I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.
To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.
But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.
Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.
Any hoo enough twaddle for now
So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.
I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression
I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.
To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.
But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.
Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.
Any hoo enough twaddle for now
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Yuck
This blog has been getting to personal for too long
Changes need to be made
But I'm buggered if I know what
Changes need to be made
But I'm buggered if I know what
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Purge a memory
Lithium
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I'm so lonely 'cause today
I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
Almost forgotten in the ticket hype 14 years ago last Saturday Kurt Cobain took his own life, the above song stopped me taking my own RIP kurt
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I'm so lonely 'cause today
I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
'Cause I've found god
Yeah, yeah yaaa!! (x6)
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
Almost forgotten in the ticket hype 14 years ago last Saturday Kurt Cobain took his own life, the above song stopped me taking my own RIP kurt
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