Todays Waffle:
Post templates!!!

In a desperate attempt to get myself using this blog on a more regular basis I'm being lazy and set myself a post template just to see how it goes, now as my main critic is currently sunning himself in Tunisia (why does Adrian Mole come to mind?) I'll run with it until he gets back.

So just encase you cannot keep up a post to describe each element of the template starting with waffle which is pretty self explanatory unless of course your American where I believe a waffle is a breakfast (?) snack like a pancake. So an exert from the Cambridge English dictionary

waffle (TALK) verb [I] DISAPPROVING to talk or write a lot without giving any useful information or any clear answers

Which pretty much sums up most of my posts


I'm feeling:

Feelings lets all talk feelings, well as this blog is my attempt to log my ride with depression so getting the feelings across sort of help reach that aim.

Media for the moment:
I pretty much soundtrack my days with either music or films plus whiled people might not understand my words for expressing myself they may understand my choice of media

Todays negative:
Well I'm meant to moan here goes

Todays Positive:
An attempt to follow some advice given to me by a motivation coach and keep a positivity log who knows might work.

Lets see how it goes

Money, money, money

Fucking evil stuff, when you have money trouble everything has a pound sign food, clothes shit even nights out with friends all suddenly have a monatary value.

Those little treats even small things like a chocolate bar suddenly thats 40p that could be better spent a night out with friends and you start counting millage, drinks cost, will we eat, what can we afford to eat and unless you have had real money problems then you don't get it

Oh my closest friends are really great about it and I'm sure half my problems come from my own paranoia over frienship, but there it is even to an extent friendship ends up with this pound tag on it.

Oh running out od steam now more later

AAAAARRRRRGH!

Fuckin 'ell

Posted saying I was going to update this three times a week then have completely forgotten the frigging place.

Oh well so depression in 2008

After a really good New Years and a posative start to the year things mentally went down hill with yet another cancer scare which proved to be nothing again. Some reading this may think i have a fixation with Cancer but honest to god seemingly every small thing I go to the quacks for these days involves Doctor saying "Oh we should get that tested it might be cancer" to the point of the most recent thing where they now seem totally flummoxed that it wasn't really is a no win situation isn't it.

But anyway posativity slipped heavily with a long period of feeling that I wanted to be shut away four weekends on a row i sat at home hiding from the outside world, fractured sleep easily slipping from angry shouty fellah to morbid crying freak the full down cycle. Then as normal it spiked with the usual question "Why do I feel like this?" bud dum tish the clouds broke birds started singing again and all was well if anything I was annoyingly cheerfull.

For two days then we found my wifes Debit card has been skimmed and some little fucker had taken us for £300, which our bank assures us we'll get back but I'm not holding my breath. For the first time in years we where heading towards coming out ahead of the game with some extra spending cash at the end of the month but bang no chance guess we're just not meant to have cash friends have been great offering to lend us the cash, but it doesn't really work like that no harm no foul IF the bank gets our money back but if not its a £300 pound debt on top off being £300 pound down. Did think I'd handled it very well but have just realised I'm snapping and swearing again feel low bugger and the "So why" question has an answer now. Arsebiscuits

101 things to do in 1001 days

A friend of mine has recently mentioned a challenge to complete 101 things in 1001 days, which initially sounded like a great idea but since then my usual lethargy has taken over and I'd forgotten all about it. Now they have reposted it with a number of the tasks completed I am kicked into at least trying to complete a list to make it easier for myself I'm going to break it into sections hopefully so I can concentrate on them more easily.

So in the next 1001 days I will–

Health

Lose 2 stone, 1 stone at least By Glastonbury
Exercise at least 3 times a week for an hour sustained for a period of 3 months
Quit smoking
Eat regular meals
Cook something new at least once a week for at least a month
Cut down the amount of bread I eat
Drop at least one jeans size
Lose the beer gut
Chase the doctors for answers and not just give up and accept it
Have a vegetarian day at least once a week for at least a month
Learn sleep isn't for wimps
Go swimming at least once a month for 3 months
Continue to take long walks a minimum of 5 times a week

Wealth

Find a steady second income
Save more money target an extra £50 a month for three months
Not buy new clothes unless absolutely needed or I can buy a size smaller
Be clear of debt by the end of 1001 days

Organisation

Update my blog a minimum of three times a week for 6 months
Keep a positivity log and update it regularly for 6 months
Put all the important dates into my calendar and not use Dory as a filofax
Learn to use spreadsheets and lists to help organise myself

Education

Read at least one factual book for every 2 fiction books
Improve my grammar
Take at least 5 courses at work
Learn at least the basics of one musical instrument
Grasp the basics of at least one foreign language other than German
Visit at least 15 places of historical interest and learn a fact about each of them
Travel abroad at least twice in 1001 days
Take at least 6 dance lessons
Learn to drive even if I cannot afford to get a license
Learn at least 3 poems of by heart
Visit at least 4 museums a year

Relationships

Visit family at least once a month for 6 months
Meet with friends at least once a month for 6 months
Make at least one none festival pants meet
Meet at least 10 pantsters I have never met before
Spend more time with the ones I have met
Not lose contact with a friend for over 6 months
Remind Dory daily that I love her
Be true to myself in my dealings with others
Step outside my comfort zone more often to help others

Leisure

Try at least one new festival a year
Practice my photography
Take early morning walks and take photos whiled doing so
See in at least one Sunrise on a foreign shore
Go Snorkelling at least once
Take more midnight walks
Camp on the beach
Go to Brighton, Manchester, Newcastle, Portsmouth and London at least twice in the 1001 days
Take Dory to Paris
Swim in the sea 10 times
Take time to play games
Take time to listen to music
Try at least one new/different band a month
Try books from 5 new authors

Random

Make somebody smile everyday
Make at least one stranger smile every week
Decorate the Kitchen
Decorate the bathroom
Build something from scratch with materials I have lying around
Make a list of all the DVDs I own
Run in a marathon/fun run
Do a Bungee jump
Meditate at least once a week
Visit a Buddhist retreat
Fast for 5 days
Take up hill running again
Get a bike and ride it
Try and get tickets for Glastonbury
Buy one festival tent and not get tent envy after buying it (fat chance)
Learn a party trick and show it off
Find at least three people to invite onto the pants
Clean my desk (work and home) and keep it clean for a month
Learn the recycle bin is not my outbox
Make one person properly laugh every month
Dig the garden and keep it in order for 3 months
Grow more of my own veg
Use my compost bin for something other than chucking my old walking boots in – though they have probably rotted nicely
Get another pet
Not grimace every time somebody takes my picture
Learn how to deal with boredom
Make love outdoors
Get a proper suntan
At least look into a new career
Convince Dory to make a list like this one
Find the ultimate wet weather festival boots
Go somewhere one Sunday in every month instead of lazing around at home
Paint a picture I truly like
Play the Wii online
Unclutter the house
Make video log of Glastonbury
Beat Jim at chess
Teach Dory to play chess
Learn to play backgammon
Find a hat that suits me
Try clothes other than combats/jeans and Tshirt
Get a tattoo
Give blood again before getting a tattoo
Sell enough stuff to buy a new camera
Update my MP3 player with new songs every week
create a family tree

Ho hum

So again I'm of the opinion that life should just fuck off

Not a new opinion I know but I still feel it is valid

Now not only am I still waiting on tests and result concerning what is going on inside my gut, but we have found a lump on Dory that will need a mammogram and further tests. Most likely according to the Quack it is a cyst and can be treated easily without hassle. Which is nice and reassuring if it wasn't for the fact Dory is my wife I don't want to hear "Oh its likely this" I want to hear a fucking answer because there are very few things in this world that will make me swing for somebody but messing her around is one of them.

But hell I'm waiting for an answer from a GP that's always going to be fun, I really don't understand why we bother, why not just staff the local surgeries with Nurses and have done. Both have the knowledge to tell you, you have a cold I'm sure a nurse can prescribe anti-depressants with the alarming regularity GPs do and of course Nurses can also send you to specialists when you actually want or need a fucking answer to a question.

Mood

Okay by now you guessed I write this blogg to put into words how depression and other shit effects my mind on a day to day basis and so far I think I've covered the highs and the lows but today is the middle ground.

Not particularly negative about anything yet not really feeling great about anything either, just completely listless is this how well balanced people feel all the time?

Lethargy is possible the best way of summing it up cannot be arsed to post on my normal forum, cannot be arsed to worry about being ill, cannot be arsed to well just about anything. Everything seems so bloody pointless at the moment.

The only thing I can say for sure is it's inconclusive

Well went for the test apparently my liver, kidneys and gall bladder are all fine

Yay (though I'm surprised about my liver as abstinence isn't really a by word in my book)

The floor in the tests being none of them actually checked my bowel where the problem is so it remains inconclusive - arse.