Doing the right thing

Now I'm not a classically nice person even with the usual draw backs of depression I'm lazy, quick to criticize and well frankly and insults come quicker to mind than anything pleasant.

But I do try and do the right thing

Like most of my blog posts this has been brought to mind by recent events first and foremost a recent event leading to a change of mind and whiled I am confident I or I should say we did the right thing I'm still left feeling shitty that I've let good friends of mine down something, I like to think is a very rare thing not helped by not being entirely honest.

A little thing on the honesty thing sometimes due to the way I am I feel it is necessary to not be honest, after all "We haven't the money", "We are busy" or "I'm not well" all hold a chunk of truth and sound better than "Actually I'd rather be dead than leave the house" I know very few people who understand the downer* with depression all those that do also have depression.

But anyhoo last weekend we dropped out of going to Bearded Theory festival which I have no doubt will be one of the small festival highlights of the year ad it is organised with the help of one of my best friends and was attended by a large group of my friends so not something I miss lightly, now okay the primary reason we gave for not going is money. Now whiled money is an issue we could have afforded it but the fact is after events over the last few weeks myself and Dory where at breaking point (hell even breaking up point) we needed time just us to sort through more critical to me was the fact Dory was down funny thing is I'm use to being down and laugh it off eventually but Dory isn't and I'm not use to her being down to the extent I nearly missed the signs which IS something I feel guilty about and frankly for me is unforgivable. I was so wrapped up in my own downer I nearly missed my wife reaching breaking point and only talking t her over the last few days has really brought it home just how bad she was getting this is something I will not let it happen again.

Right anyway enough prattle I need some Mariokart action just wanted to get that off my chest.


*I must write about the upside of things sometime

New beginning a late introduction

Okay a bit of house clearing and on we go, I realise looking back I've never written an introduction to this blog.

So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.

I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression

I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.

To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.

But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.

Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.

Any hoo enough twaddle for now

Yuck

This blog has been getting to personal for too long

Changes need to be made

But I'm buggered if I know what