The power of triggers

Sorry the updates have been slow recently have been busy and for once fairly well balanced, tis good.

A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.

There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.

Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.

Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.

Happy new week

Well the weekend was fantastic chatting around a campfire till early hours consuming my body weight in beer and barbeque food with great friends and well at least on Sunday great weather, tis great.

Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....

A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.

New beginning a late introduction

Okay a bit of house clearing and on we go, I realise looking back I've never written an introduction to this blog.

So hello my friends call me Vimes for no other reason as that is the moniker I go by on web forums and what when I get the chance I introduce myself by if I can get away with it - cause its far trendier than my real name.

I have what the doctors call bipolar affective disorder or Manic depression in old money
Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_depression

I like to get that up front as in many ways this blog is my way of charting how this effects my daily life and possible just possible help some people understand how this disorder works from my point of view. Another point I should add here is I don't take medication for the disorder that is my personal choice, I don't often get to choose my mood but I can choose to have feelings from my experience the drugs available remove emotions entirely and leave, certainly leave me like a zombie it's not for me though do use certain drugs to help deal with the extremes on a as and when needed basis.

To be clear here I would highly recommend to anybody to get a prescription and try what the doctor offers going back until you find the right thing for you, including counselling I cannot stress enough how important that is I am at a position where whiled I don't have control I can understand what is happening and why, getting to this stage has not been easy I'm a long way from good and have needed help nearly all the way. To some extent this blog is part of that.

But anyway back to me me me I'm pretty much average I have very little pretense to being anything else, average rather dull job I am a bit of a loner luckily as much by choice as by the fact I have the personality of an old cabbage (smell slightly like one as well). that said I do have some great friends I'm just not very good at being a friend this touches a bit of a nerve at the moment so I wont go into that but will direct you to two previous blog entries that escaped the cut 1, http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/10/rambling.html and 2. http://hereandbackagainamuppetstale.blogspot.com/2007/09/fun-look-at-depression.html
It is a subject that I find morbidly interesting which I'll return to again no doubt.

Ironically writing an intro this far into owning a blog seems oddly right but likewise its writing this I realise that I haven't been true to myself by deleting parts of what has gone, trouble is stuff written whiled on a downer often once the mood has passed reads so melodramatic and I hate it, which does sum things up really as I do hate the dark moods this disorder can plunge me into but it becomes self hate and tends to kick off another low stage that's a viscous little circle.

Any hoo enough twaddle for now