Sorry for the long break obviously I have been to Glastonbury and it has taken this long to get my head around normal things let alone The Blog.
Glastonbury a review
Tuesday
The day we travel down to camp near the site and with previous issues over shadowing our run up to the festival meant we had nothing planned or organised so the morning was spent throwing stuff from bedroom, shed and bathroom into bags then throwing bags into the car. But never fear we had our trusty Sat Nav to (borrowed from the folks) to guide us to our destination the Isle of Avalon campsite in Glastonbury.
The Sat Nav had two route options shortest and Quickest both lead us through the centre of Milton Keynes and neither where a fats worth of good when it lead us out into the middle of nowhere and ditched us with no frigging signal in the wilds of Somerset - fucker!
Now I could moan and blame the Sat Nav but frankly its my own fault yet again I trusted to technology instead of my own knowledge, why do I do that M11 - M25 - M4 - M5 - A39 just under 4 hours with stops Sat Nav route Milton Keynes - Fuck knows - fuck knows - Bath - Fuck knows - Shepton Mallet - give up follow signs = 6 and a half hours.
Arrive in Glastonbury Isle of Avalon shattered but in reasonable spirits stuck up small over night tent to find we hadn't aired it since its soaking last Glastonbury so have the lovely smell of damp and mildew. Dory has the frankly genius idea of using the Neutradol car air freshener to clear out the smell which she does pity the Neutradol is akin to tear gas so tent is a no go area until the smell calms down a bit, which frankly was a blessing as it gave us chance to sink a few beers and chat with old friends when they returned from the pub was a nice night sleep was heavily interrupted by the comedy stylings of G, Scrapper and Ade and their 2 hour quick line before bed routine which had us almost on our knees laughing a funny end to a stressful day.
Wednesday
Up at 6am to be ready for a 7am pre-fest meet at the Sainsbury Carpark in Street - this obviously sounded a great idea before sitting up chatting to G etc until 4am! Anyway first things first pack tent away smell of mildew has returned with force so salvage tent pegs and the rest is left in one of the huge wheelie bins at the campsite as the chances of salvage where minimal. Then its off to Street to meet Imp and Blabber two friends we will be camping with during the festival.
Sat Nav is left dumped at the bottom of the bag Street is a ten minute journey I really don't need to add a few hours to it - still add some as we start off by heading in the wrong direction, DOH!
But get there eventually and the find the usual suspects in the normal spot, it is great to see them I hadn't seen Imp for nearly a year and Blabber not since my Birthday last year so hugs all around toilet stop and off to the festival which for once isn't a bad get in 45 minutes from Sainsburys to Car Park and another bonus we are right next to the gate, pity the gate is the other side of the festival to where we camp but cant have everything.
Another 40 minutes is spent dragging all the kit from Gate D to Michael's Mead our chosen campsite but the weather is good and despite temptation to just dump stuff in a verity of different campsites we make it and meet up with Zane and Riff other fellow Meaders, being part of the advance gaurd has benefits as we get setup and watch the rest follow suite starting with my older brother and a workmate who is on her first Glastonbury. I love seeing people when they first come to Glastonbury truly there is nothing like the site no UK festival comes close to the sheer scale of Glastonbury.
Once everybody arrives the party begins and I mean the party begins as it was Zanes 50th Birthday a few weeks before the festival and I'd decided this event shouldn't go unmarked so all the meaders where given instructions to bring kids party supplies - really did try and keep this simple but possible I should have been clearer as party supplies seems to mean to some people Sausage rolls, 13 different types to be exact luckily I like sausage rolls lol
Then its of to the magical cider bus to meet up with the rest of the pants crew and partake of a few beverages to wash down the Birthday cake and sausage rolls, was a lot of fun drinking beer sitting on the grass just having a laugh made a massive change to the mud and sludge of previous years specially as the pants crew seems to grow each year.
The day finished off with Dory and myself having a wonder around the site just the two of us it was lovely and time together we very much needed.
Continued...
Monday, 7 July 2008
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Meh
Title pretty much sums it up
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
Friday, 20 June 2008
Update
Lots happened this week
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The power of triggers
Sorry the updates have been slow recently have been busy and for once fairly well balanced, tis good.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Sweet memory
The rain on canvas
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Epiphany
Sometimes coming out of a dark spot is a slow gradual release, sometimes it just happens.
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Fear of being caught out
Bipolar or just a fucked up personality?
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
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