Well the weekend was fantastic chatting around a campfire till early hours consuming my body weight in beer and barbeque food with great friends and well at least on Sunday great weather, tis great.
Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....
A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.
Monday, 9 June 2008
Friday, 6 June 2008
How you doin?
Well the manik'ness of yesterday has calmed a bit leaving a weird contemplative mood.
See when trying to make up my mind how to feel about something, no strike that the very fact I have to decide how to feel about something is enough, you see depression often runs matters where feelings are concerned and from experience it isn't the best judge of situation.
I know, I know there is a theory that you can decide how you feel about anything
But frankly its bullshit something pisses you off then well, it pisses you off you just choose to show it or not the other detail is most people don't even think about it, but knowing you have a problem with emotion it makes you (or at least me) hyper aware of how I should be feeling and try to rationalise what is going on in the hope of understanding if it is current mood, depression or actually the situation that makes me feel the way I do.
So yeah massive over thinking going on here which is only going to lead to a viscous circle batter around for awhile cause annoyance and more grief until I finally let it go after all it is a combination of hundreds of things that make now and besides I'm buggering off camping at the weekend to test some gear out before Glastonbury hopefully it will give me the motivation needed to say bugger it take some time away again chill out and let people chase me instead of vice versa because on that I know I'm right.
See when trying to make up my mind how to feel about something, no strike that the very fact I have to decide how to feel about something is enough, you see depression often runs matters where feelings are concerned and from experience it isn't the best judge of situation.
I know, I know there is a theory that you can decide how you feel about anything
But frankly its bullshit something pisses you off then well, it pisses you off you just choose to show it or not the other detail is most people don't even think about it, but knowing you have a problem with emotion it makes you (or at least me) hyper aware of how I should be feeling and try to rationalise what is going on in the hope of understanding if it is current mood, depression or actually the situation that makes me feel the way I do.
So yeah massive over thinking going on here which is only going to lead to a viscous circle batter around for awhile cause annoyance and more grief until I finally let it go after all it is a combination of hundreds of things that make now and besides I'm buggering off camping at the weekend to test some gear out before Glastonbury hopefully it will give me the motivation needed to say bugger it take some time away again chill out and let people chase me instead of vice versa because on that I know I'm right.
Thursday, 5 June 2008
Its depression mania woo
Okay for only the second time in my blog history I'm posting twice in one day "Go me!"
But I've posted a lot about the downer side of Depression but never the manic side ands as today is fueled by it possible a good time to introduce things.
So currently I'm shaking, talking twenty to the dozen and everything is in slow motion I swear it has been 10 to 2 for the last hour concentration is fucked as the attention span resembles a goldfish doing things is difficult because it will get obsessive quickly if I eat I wont stop caffeine is a major no no likewise alcohol because I wont stop I've been down the pub like this and swallowed 8 pints without pause walked home sober (that's a lot for me I'm not a huge drinker normally) it doesn't work like a down turn when down I'm only depressed that's the mood no matter what on the upswing it could be anything small things bounce mood off in different ways I can have a blazing row one minute be happy and loving the next, when somebody with depression falls off the rails it is normally on the upturn because really fucking stupid things suddenly become great ideas. A fellow sufferer use to get wired and drink coffee by the pint then constantly moan because they couldn't sleep "I cant sleep so I'm going to have to have a coffee" its daft and self defeating but that's how it is I get ratty because life is slow then wonder why others are upset I just don't get it so have a row because they are upset despite them being upset because I was ratty with them earlier but by then I've moved on. Today is a particularly bad day at home I just do the cleaning and can pace it out hard wearing on the carpet but it helps at work i have to try and settle to work speed which is currently too slow. Specially because I'm waiting for customers to figure out what the hell they are meant to be doing.
Scary? Normally I would edit as I go then double check for grammar errors today I quite like it without that read as is and it might give you and example of how the old noggin is going
E2A: I love the fact it took me two attempts to spell grammar
But I've posted a lot about the downer side of Depression but never the manic side ands as today is fueled by it possible a good time to introduce things.
So currently I'm shaking, talking twenty to the dozen and everything is in slow motion I swear it has been 10 to 2 for the last hour concentration is fucked as the attention span resembles a goldfish doing things is difficult because it will get obsessive quickly if I eat I wont stop caffeine is a major no no likewise alcohol because I wont stop I've been down the pub like this and swallowed 8 pints without pause walked home sober (that's a lot for me I'm not a huge drinker normally) it doesn't work like a down turn when down I'm only depressed that's the mood no matter what on the upswing it could be anything small things bounce mood off in different ways I can have a blazing row one minute be happy and loving the next, when somebody with depression falls off the rails it is normally on the upturn because really fucking stupid things suddenly become great ideas. A fellow sufferer use to get wired and drink coffee by the pint then constantly moan because they couldn't sleep "I cant sleep so I'm going to have to have a coffee" its daft and self defeating but that's how it is I get ratty because life is slow then wonder why others are upset I just don't get it so have a row because they are upset despite them being upset because I was ratty with them earlier but by then I've moved on. Today is a particularly bad day at home I just do the cleaning and can pace it out hard wearing on the carpet but it helps at work i have to try and settle to work speed which is currently too slow. Specially because I'm waiting for customers to figure out what the hell they are meant to be doing.
Scary? Normally I would edit as I go then double check for grammar errors today I quite like it without that read as is and it might give you and example of how the old noggin is going
E2A: I love the fact it took me two attempts to spell grammar
Am I bothered
Cus your lovely you are and its your nature to bother
A nice but cheeky compliment from a friend on a forum which leads to the question
Am I lovely because I bother or a cunt because I only do it because its my nature and I actually don't want to do it?
I mean I do try and do the right thing for people which leads to a wonderful depression backlash so it ends up
A. Paranoia kicks in about having really done the right thing, did I look to eager to help, are they now taking the piss?
B. Cynicism kicks in am I running around whiled they take advantage of the fact they know I'll help them
C. Mania kicks in and I run around doing shit loads of helpful stuff which doesn't actually need doing.
D. I end up feeling guilty and trying to help people out where I should actually be pissed off with them and the last thing I should be doing is running around after them and end up hating the situation, myself and them.
Tis all good fun excuse the irony, now some people think its over thinking and it doesn't matter as long as you bother. Which is fine and no doubt the cop out for those that don't bother because as long as it gets done everybody is happy, obviously except for the poor fucker that does bother. Humm tis a tricky one
I've had an example for this but it wouldn't be fair as I've learnt recently the people that matter to me and read this blog are the only ones who worry that it is them causing these thoughts where as the bigger culprits of life and nature don't give a stuff. So why post anything that upsets them, which limits things a bit but no doubt I'll work it out.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Dreams
Funny enough I've never had much problems with dreams its one area depression rarely seems to effect me, what few dreams I have and remember are more like daydreams where I have control over events and often create the situation (Winning the lottery, Summer Glau, whipped cream etc) which is fine and dandy pretty much everyday stuff and been a happy release from the world of the everyday and lets me get on with the important business of sleeping
So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?
So it has been very strange to be having a spate of weird dreams details etc change but mostly centred on Dory leaving me, now whiled that is pretty much something I know I deserve cause I can be fairly fecking useless. But not something I'm overly concerned about as we have a great deal of mutual respect and do actually talk over our problems I can honestly say we've never yet had a serious row we tend to blow up at each other from time to time and have learned not to react and talk about it once tempers cool so far it works for us lets us blow steam and know where we stand. I honestly have to say the one thing I am sure of is we are not on the verge of breaking up at least not this week so whats going on?
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Life update
So frustrated at the moment just as we see a goal post in sight some bugger moves it, currently our year is on hold whiled we try and find out what is happening with Dorys job and the possible redundancy, shit enough that their would be no final definite answer until the day before Glastonbury but no... Some piss poor excuse for a chief Exec has decided to go on Holiday for a week now either he is the most thoughtless gimp to walk the face of the earth or some twazzock didn't think to check the leave calendars before scheduling the times for the reshuffle either way all the people whose careers are on the line have to wait an extra week before their are any answers whiled this git suns himself on Holiday.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
For us that means waiting till after Glastonbury to find out whats going on, instead of having Glastonbury to blow off the last two months stress it will be there in the back of our minds like it has been constantly since they announced it. Glastonbury was our thing this year our yearly Holiday and the one thing we knew for certain we would be doing and now they have managed to even shit on that.
I am so gutted for Dory and am worrying about her constantly, she is despite what she says one of the strongest people I know but I can see it getting her down and she doesn't always admit it I even know she is for some reason blaming herself for the stress which is ridiculous blame the buddyship employment methods and frankly piss poor way this company handles pretty much anything HR related, truly HR must stand for Humane Redundancy for the people to lame to work in worthwhile departments. But I don't know what more I can do to help her I know I'm over compensating but I don't know and I'm fast running out of ideas. Everything just seems to have this fine coating of shit on it trying to relax and chill but there is is in the background for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared, scared the background stress we have learned to deal with is going to take over completely we're both so fucking tired we can barely think, we're tired of leaning on others we're tired of this entire fucking situation.
Monday, 2 June 2008
AAAAARRRRRGH!
Chronic repetitive migraines
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
I guess that in itself is a good reason for a beef post, but no its just life and I've got better at dealing with them
That is until Pharmacies stopped stocking the right fucking medication for them, possible and this is just guess work because it works heaven forbid where would we be if medication actually worked! Instead you get a weaker less able equivalent in packs of two tablets for £8 Doctors prescribe the recommended dose which shock surprise is 2 tablets for a prescription cost of £8 which is a kick in the teeth if you get one migraine a month but at least it will cure it for that month two months if you are lucky enough to have one at a time work.
Chronic repetitive migraines
One a spell starts it can last up to 4 months with a migraine lasting 2 to 3 days every week, the last pills being apparently one of the strongest of their type on the market took nine pills over two months but other than a few blips left me without migraines for nearly 18 months and within the first two pills took the migraine duration down to a day and widened the time between them which was a fantastic difference not to mention they came in packs of 6.
The new ones don't oh they help speed up recovery but a few days back down the line and boom its back not to mention even if they do work as well as the others its going to cost me over £40!
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