Funny in a kind of horrible ironic way isn't it that people are always ready to spout stories of horrible things happening to other people in order to give you perspective on your problems.
But is there a point where you can say yes but my life has been so mundanely shit for so long I really want to just give up living? Yes okay for me the depression is a large part in whats doing to talking but that aside truly come on. Yes okay I'm not being held at gun point in a Bombay hotel or starving in Africa but you know since the end of June the luckiest thing that has hap pend to me is that my Mum wasn't more seriously hurt when she fell down the stairs.
Now think about whiled I'm truly happy we got lucky and she wasn't badly hurt wouldn't have been a bit nicer if she hadn't fallen at all? So she didn't have to be sore and bruised so she wasn't slightly scared of going up and down stairs by herself. You know like every day when we haven't been lucky enough to not have her not hurt falling down the stairs.
Okay maybe today with Dory being ill. me having to rely on public transport, AOL deciding that suddenly we owe them 5 months payments despite neither them or the bank telling us that was the case so we have no home Internet things are particularly bad. But I don't see it getting better anytime soon and it hasn't suddenly dropped to being this rubbish just a seemingly never ending string of shit.
So am I allowed to give up yet?
Friday, 28 November 2008
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Love will tear us apart
Funny world really somethings that should hurt don't and some things that shouldn't do.
I've reached they point with a friend I can no longer deal with them so I've basically told them to go away which was a bit politer than my normal fuck off but then I don't burn bridges where it can be helped.
Thing is I feel quite good about it and I probably shouldn't because they are in a bad place but there is a limit to how much I can take in the form of them playing the victim over things I'm also tired of only being contacted when they either want help or want to moan because seemingly treating people equally means having to treat some people as more equal than others - a political hot potato most of my friends know to steer clear off with me.
Fair enough a lot of that is my problem I've always told them to contact me should they need something but after 4 months with only being talked to 3 times twice to moan once to ask for help I've pretty much realised I'm not wanted - lol. One of the bitterly funny things in this is one of the accusations chucked at me has been not knowing what is going on obviously I missed the days training in telepathy, trouble is then I find out whats going on and find what is said by them even when balanced out is mostly half truths I know they are half truths because when I mention them to this person they're blatant lies obviously they missed the remember what you told people course my only hope is other people will see through this ruse as well.
This as these things do reached a head when I received yet another whine this time both publicly and in private and on trying to placate things because they where starting to sound unsettlingly paranoid I received yet more blunt refusals to admit any blame for anything and a load of well frankly scarily paranoid ravings insulting and accusing not just me but a number of my friends, at the moment this is not something I feel I can deal with and until they learn to stop playing the victim I cannot see myself putting the extra effort in specially because it looks like anybody who doesn't buy the victim story is getting cut loose anyway, I don't think that's the best way to help them and I cannot stand by and watch others do it.
The 11th of the 11th is always a strangely cathartic day for me where a load of the ongoing stress in my mind gets put in order and perspective and I've realised what ever people think - and this person isn't clever enough to tell their side of things to people who wont report it back to me - I know I've done the right thing and at this blog entry I leave it my door will always be open to an extent but from here on in I want no further part in their pathetic games.
I've reached they point with a friend I can no longer deal with them so I've basically told them to go away which was a bit politer than my normal fuck off but then I don't burn bridges where it can be helped.
Thing is I feel quite good about it and I probably shouldn't because they are in a bad place but there is a limit to how much I can take in the form of them playing the victim over things I'm also tired of only being contacted when they either want help or want to moan because seemingly treating people equally means having to treat some people as more equal than others - a political hot potato most of my friends know to steer clear off with me.
Fair enough a lot of that is my problem I've always told them to contact me should they need something but after 4 months with only being talked to 3 times twice to moan once to ask for help I've pretty much realised I'm not wanted - lol. One of the bitterly funny things in this is one of the accusations chucked at me has been not knowing what is going on obviously I missed the days training in telepathy, trouble is then I find out whats going on and find what is said by them even when balanced out is mostly half truths I know they are half truths because when I mention them to this person they're blatant lies obviously they missed the remember what you told people course my only hope is other people will see through this ruse as well.
This as these things do reached a head when I received yet another whine this time both publicly and in private and on trying to placate things because they where starting to sound unsettlingly paranoid I received yet more blunt refusals to admit any blame for anything and a load of well frankly scarily paranoid ravings insulting and accusing not just me but a number of my friends, at the moment this is not something I feel I can deal with and until they learn to stop playing the victim I cannot see myself putting the extra effort in specially because it looks like anybody who doesn't buy the victim story is getting cut loose anyway, I don't think that's the best way to help them and I cannot stand by and watch others do it.
The 11th of the 11th is always a strangely cathartic day for me where a load of the ongoing stress in my mind gets put in order and perspective and I've realised what ever people think - and this person isn't clever enough to tell their side of things to people who wont report it back to me - I know I've done the right thing and at this blog entry I leave it my door will always be open to an extent but from here on in I want no further part in their pathetic games.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Today
90 years ago today the first world war ended, a day we attempt to remember the millions and millions of people of all nationalities who died fighting for one persons belief or another, most of all for me I remember today my Grandfather only a hero to those who knew him shot and wounded by a sniper in Notredame so he got an early trip home but was laid up in a military hospital until long after the end of the war. A man who never bragged of war who would rarely say more than a little about it all but today and on remembrance Sunday he would remember being there and his shoulders would drop for the friends he lost.
So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.
So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Sweet friend of misery
Depression is a lot easier to deal with when not smoking, I really thought it would be he other way round but it has been a lot better.
Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.
Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.
Sour note
So Glastonbury tickets on sale Sunday for the first time they are doing tickets on an early bird like option, also for the first time in a very long time I wont be sitting sweating over a keyboard trying for a ticket. At least not a ticket for myself anyway.
Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.
And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?
Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.
Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.
And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?
Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Bright side
Not all things are shit
As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.
Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.
Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order
For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.
As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.
Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.
Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order
For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
Aargh!
Why do I always feel guilty when my Dad rings up?
Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.
See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.
Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.
In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.
Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.
See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.
Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.
In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Only joking...
You know I often wonder if I'm kidding myself if really I'm tolerated instead of liked.
I'm not really sure if that thought displeases me because I must do something right just to be tolerated, nobody would tolerate somebody they don't like would they?
Erm I realise on reflection the questions a bit pointless as they aren't liable to read this, in fact who is reading this? As far as most of the people who use to are concerned this blog stopped without a trace a long time ago and I've yet to outwardly advertise that I'm running it again I should offer a prize to the first person who comments to say they are reading.
In fact there you go first person to comment on this blog gets a free piece of tat from my home, tis genius that should have you running to the comment box instantly.
On a similar note recent developments have lead to a musing again on the nature of friendships or at least my opinion of them. People do fucked up things including myself and my friends, sometimes my friends will do something I don't like whiled I will tell them of my dislike its not my job to judge them on it specially if their actions do not effect me. That's not to say I'd ignore blatant wrong doing but really if it doesn't concern me and they aren't making it my business then well its not my business.
Is that painfully naive?
I'm not really sure if that thought displeases me because I must do something right just to be tolerated, nobody would tolerate somebody they don't like would they?
Erm I realise on reflection the questions a bit pointless as they aren't liable to read this, in fact who is reading this? As far as most of the people who use to are concerned this blog stopped without a trace a long time ago and I've yet to outwardly advertise that I'm running it again I should offer a prize to the first person who comments to say they are reading.
In fact there you go first person to comment on this blog gets a free piece of tat from my home, tis genius that should have you running to the comment box instantly.
On a similar note recent developments have lead to a musing again on the nature of friendships or at least my opinion of them. People do fucked up things including myself and my friends, sometimes my friends will do something I don't like whiled I will tell them of my dislike its not my job to judge them on it specially if their actions do not effect me. That's not to say I'd ignore blatant wrong doing but really if it doesn't concern me and they aren't making it my business then well its not my business.
Is that painfully naive?
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Back....
So a much needed break was taken now a year since this began I'm back.
Some frankly major changes have happened since my last post possible the biggest being that as of yesterday I have been smoke free for a month, which considering it has been 3 years since I last even tried quitting is quite an achievement.
But more of that later in fact I'll dedicate an entire post to it just cause I'm more than a little proud of the achievements so far.
As always my understanding off the entire friendship thing vexes me , it has been a tough year people I thought I could rely on I've ended up needing to tell to back off whiled others have been there without call. I've decided to not save peoples feelings in this restart fuck'em I'm fairly sure I'll not say anything that cant be fixed if the friendship is worth it. As the year has rolled out we find out more and more just how badly Dory has been fucked over by somebody she befriended and trusted and if Dory who is a poster child for a good friend can be treated like that then I'm fairly sure I'll get no better anyway.
So normal tail of doom and gloom than?
No not entirely, actually quitting smoking seems to have had a major effect on the depression in that it hasn't been anywhere near as bad since stopping!
Who'd have thunk it quitting smoking good for you!!!!
Some frankly major changes have happened since my last post possible the biggest being that as of yesterday I have been smoke free for a month, which considering it has been 3 years since I last even tried quitting is quite an achievement.
But more of that later in fact I'll dedicate an entire post to it just cause I'm more than a little proud of the achievements so far.
As always my understanding off the entire friendship thing vexes me , it has been a tough year people I thought I could rely on I've ended up needing to tell to back off whiled others have been there without call. I've decided to not save peoples feelings in this restart fuck'em I'm fairly sure I'll not say anything that cant be fixed if the friendship is worth it. As the year has rolled out we find out more and more just how badly Dory has been fucked over by somebody she befriended and trusted and if Dory who is a poster child for a good friend can be treated like that then I'm fairly sure I'll get no better anyway.
So normal tail of doom and gloom than?
No not entirely, actually quitting smoking seems to have had a major effect on the depression in that it hasn't been anywhere near as bad since stopping!
Who'd have thunk it quitting smoking good for you!!!!
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
A break
From the Glastonbury coverage as riveting as it was.
Really have reached a point where I no longer feel this blog is helping I've done a lot with it and at times it has been cathartic to get certain thoughts out on here and it has certainly posed an interesting place to blog certain events over the last year.
Whiled it has taught me a lot about myself and the nature of life those teachings have lead to certain changes I feel as a person I need to make over the next 12 months if I'm going to get through what I need to get through and whiled I feel blogs will help this one isn't part of that thinking frankly the web itself doesn't pay much part in those changes and is a large part of my habits that needs to go.
I'm hoping by starting here it will lead to helping kick start the rest.
I thank you for reading this blog your feedback and encouragement has been a great help mostly for good I think. For now it will go undeleted as in time I may return, not to mention there is some good memories hidden away in these pages.
last one to leave turn the lights out.
Really have reached a point where I no longer feel this blog is helping I've done a lot with it and at times it has been cathartic to get certain thoughts out on here and it has certainly posed an interesting place to blog certain events over the last year.
Whiled it has taught me a lot about myself and the nature of life those teachings have lead to certain changes I feel as a person I need to make over the next 12 months if I'm going to get through what I need to get through and whiled I feel blogs will help this one isn't part of that thinking frankly the web itself doesn't pay much part in those changes and is a large part of my habits that needs to go.
I'm hoping by starting here it will lead to helping kick start the rest.
I thank you for reading this blog your feedback and encouragement has been a great help mostly for good I think. For now it will go undeleted as in time I may return, not to mention there is some good memories hidden away in these pages.
last one to leave turn the lights out.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Glastonbury 3
Friday
Started a bit grey and over cast but after a breakfast of pancakes cooked by the brother unit we headed out to see some bands and do a lot more bimbling.
Music started with a very good set by KT Tunstal as bouncy and lovely as always actually the first time I've seen her live and have to admit she was very good.
Then it was off to see The Hoosiers who would be a surprise element for me and one we went to purely on the recommendation of a friend and was really glad we did, pure bouncy cheesey pop at its very best with the full cast of sing along tunes, dancing girls and lots of smiles deffinitly a band I will be looking into more in the future.
Took a break from Band watching to eat and get ready for the night, weather had been unsettled all day with slight showers but it was just slush under foot no major mud yet, either way a change to warmer clothing was needed.
Getting back to camp we muttered that it looked like the rain was over for the day and better weather was coming whiled listening to Gossip on the main stage who also sounded really good
Next on our bill was the Fun Loving Criminals, arriving to the set slightly late was no problem as the whole crowd was bouncing to King Of New York when we arrived, we simply bounced through them until we found Sally and Deedub, cowering behind an Ice cream van whiled Huey pounded out easily the best set of the day a real greatest hits showcase with Scooby Snacks, Fun Loving Criminals and pretty much every other song that has made them a huge hit. Was great.
The rest of evening was spent bimbling around the site missing the big name acts in favour of the "secret" gig of Franz Ferdinand on the Park stage forgotten how much I liked these guys this was followed by more bimbling around the site despite it being the early hours of the morning definitely felt like it was drying out.
Started a bit grey and over cast but after a breakfast of pancakes cooked by the brother unit we headed out to see some bands and do a lot more bimbling.
Music started with a very good set by KT Tunstal as bouncy and lovely as always actually the first time I've seen her live and have to admit she was very good.
Then it was off to see The Hoosiers who would be a surprise element for me and one we went to purely on the recommendation of a friend and was really glad we did, pure bouncy cheesey pop at its very best with the full cast of sing along tunes, dancing girls and lots of smiles deffinitly a band I will be looking into more in the future.
Took a break from Band watching to eat and get ready for the night, weather had been unsettled all day with slight showers but it was just slush under foot no major mud yet, either way a change to warmer clothing was needed.
Getting back to camp we muttered that it looked like the rain was over for the day and better weather was coming whiled listening to Gossip on the main stage who also sounded really good
Next on our bill was the Fun Loving Criminals, arriving to the set slightly late was no problem as the whole crowd was bouncing to King Of New York when we arrived, we simply bounced through them until we found Sally and Deedub, cowering behind an Ice cream van whiled Huey pounded out easily the best set of the day a real greatest hits showcase with Scooby Snacks, Fun Loving Criminals and pretty much every other song that has made them a huge hit. Was great.
The rest of evening was spent bimbling around the site missing the big name acts in favour of the "secret" gig of Franz Ferdinand on the Park stage forgotten how much I liked these guys this was followed by more bimbling around the site despite it being the early hours of the morning definitely felt like it was drying out.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Glastonbury part 2
Thursday
Thursday starts bright and early no acts on until late on today so most of it was spent bimbling around, Dory runs off with Sally and Imp to buy fancy dress like items whiled I myself and the big brother unit meet up with the boy deedubya and sup a beer before having our own site wonder, now the idea was for a pub crawl but as usual we totally failed to get broken and the time was spent chatting and bimbling under the lovely summer sun taking in the sites.
Meeting back up with the girls for a spot of lunch where we discovered the most disappointing toasted sandwiches, now yes I'm getting old but the idea of a toasted sandwich seemed like a winner for a lunch time snack and Glastonbury food is normally a lot better than the standard festival fair. Mistake forgot my golden rule of buying no food within site of the Pyramid stage and we ended up with tiny pannini bread cheese sandwiches barely worth the effort of waiting for the buggers to be cooked, never mind lesson learned early this year.
Now the next part of the day is open to debate see the plan was to return to the tents get dressed up in fancy dress gear and return for a 4pm meet, now I know I buggered up and didn't say to Sally whose idea it was "Don't do it 4pm is a bloody silly time for a meet" but I should have done. 4pm meet meant it was 6 and a half hours before acts where on people wanted to see it was also during the late afternoon crash time where people have done their exploring and where resting up ready for the night time shenanigans hanging around in fancy dress for that amount of time wasn't really going to be a goer unless mass amounts of alcohol was consumed. But we carried on regardless managing to get the mead crew moving barely an hour late - fancy dress not being a major issue for us as myself and imp relied on a change of top (in my case including a name badge with God on it) only Blabber and Dory went whole hog Blabber in full clockwork Orange gear and Dory in a little green fairy outfit (She looked so sweet).
The meet was great as always Sally and Dee doing the Dread pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup from The Princess' Bride not to mention Smurfs, Fairys, Tigers, cross dressing and Nuns a plenty was a lot of fun and a chance to give Debs whose Birthday is this week a birthday cake and a group cheer.
Things did bugger up a bit when the heavens opened and it started to piss with rain, the curse of Glastonbury had returned with a vengeance I stuck it out for a few hours but decided to retreat back to base camp to change to warmer drier clothes before coming back, well that was the plan...
Will mention here my new tent tis lovely and on the Thursday it paid for itself as I was able to stand up inside it strip off wet gear and change to dry stuff without crawling around on the floor or getting wet stuff in the sleeping area.
The change of clothes lifted my mood again a happier drier but absolutely shattered (I think by this point I'd had 9 hours sleep in 3 days) so instead of bimbling back down myself imp and Dory sat under the gazebo chatting before going our separate ways to bed
Cont....
Thursday starts bright and early no acts on until late on today so most of it was spent bimbling around, Dory runs off with Sally and Imp to buy fancy dress like items whiled I myself and the big brother unit meet up with the boy deedubya and sup a beer before having our own site wonder, now the idea was for a pub crawl but as usual we totally failed to get broken and the time was spent chatting and bimbling under the lovely summer sun taking in the sites.
Meeting back up with the girls for a spot of lunch where we discovered the most disappointing toasted sandwiches, now yes I'm getting old but the idea of a toasted sandwich seemed like a winner for a lunch time snack and Glastonbury food is normally a lot better than the standard festival fair. Mistake forgot my golden rule of buying no food within site of the Pyramid stage and we ended up with tiny pannini bread cheese sandwiches barely worth the effort of waiting for the buggers to be cooked, never mind lesson learned early this year.
Now the next part of the day is open to debate see the plan was to return to the tents get dressed up in fancy dress gear and return for a 4pm meet, now I know I buggered up and didn't say to Sally whose idea it was "Don't do it 4pm is a bloody silly time for a meet" but I should have done. 4pm meet meant it was 6 and a half hours before acts where on people wanted to see it was also during the late afternoon crash time where people have done their exploring and where resting up ready for the night time shenanigans hanging around in fancy dress for that amount of time wasn't really going to be a goer unless mass amounts of alcohol was consumed. But we carried on regardless managing to get the mead crew moving barely an hour late - fancy dress not being a major issue for us as myself and imp relied on a change of top (in my case including a name badge with God on it) only Blabber and Dory went whole hog Blabber in full clockwork Orange gear and Dory in a little green fairy outfit (She looked so sweet).
The meet was great as always Sally and Dee doing the Dread pirate Roberts and Princess Buttercup from The Princess' Bride not to mention Smurfs, Fairys, Tigers, cross dressing and Nuns a plenty was a lot of fun and a chance to give Debs whose Birthday is this week a birthday cake and a group cheer.
Things did bugger up a bit when the heavens opened and it started to piss with rain, the curse of Glastonbury had returned with a vengeance I stuck it out for a few hours but decided to retreat back to base camp to change to warmer drier clothes before coming back, well that was the plan...
Will mention here my new tent tis lovely and on the Thursday it paid for itself as I was able to stand up inside it strip off wet gear and change to dry stuff without crawling around on the floor or getting wet stuff in the sleeping area.
The change of clothes lifted my mood again a happier drier but absolutely shattered (I think by this point I'd had 9 hours sleep in 3 days) so instead of bimbling back down myself imp and Dory sat under the gazebo chatting before going our separate ways to bed
Cont....
Glastonbury Part 1
Sorry for the long break obviously I have been to Glastonbury and it has taken this long to get my head around normal things let alone The Blog.
Glastonbury a review
Tuesday
The day we travel down to camp near the site and with previous issues over shadowing our run up to the festival meant we had nothing planned or organised so the morning was spent throwing stuff from bedroom, shed and bathroom into bags then throwing bags into the car. But never fear we had our trusty Sat Nav to (borrowed from the folks) to guide us to our destination the Isle of Avalon campsite in Glastonbury.
The Sat Nav had two route options shortest and Quickest both lead us through the centre of Milton Keynes and neither where a fats worth of good when it lead us out into the middle of nowhere and ditched us with no frigging signal in the wilds of Somerset - fucker!
Now I could moan and blame the Sat Nav but frankly its my own fault yet again I trusted to technology instead of my own knowledge, why do I do that M11 - M25 - M4 - M5 - A39 just under 4 hours with stops Sat Nav route Milton Keynes - Fuck knows - fuck knows - Bath - Fuck knows - Shepton Mallet - give up follow signs = 6 and a half hours.
Arrive in Glastonbury Isle of Avalon shattered but in reasonable spirits stuck up small over night tent to find we hadn't aired it since its soaking last Glastonbury so have the lovely smell of damp and mildew. Dory has the frankly genius idea of using the Neutradol car air freshener to clear out the smell which she does pity the Neutradol is akin to tear gas so tent is a no go area until the smell calms down a bit, which frankly was a blessing as it gave us chance to sink a few beers and chat with old friends when they returned from the pub was a nice night sleep was heavily interrupted by the comedy stylings of G, Scrapper and Ade and their 2 hour quick line before bed routine which had us almost on our knees laughing a funny end to a stressful day.
Wednesday
Up at 6am to be ready for a 7am pre-fest meet at the Sainsbury Carpark in Street - this obviously sounded a great idea before sitting up chatting to G etc until 4am! Anyway first things first pack tent away smell of mildew has returned with force so salvage tent pegs and the rest is left in one of the huge wheelie bins at the campsite as the chances of salvage where minimal. Then its off to Street to meet Imp and Blabber two friends we will be camping with during the festival.
Sat Nav is left dumped at the bottom of the bag Street is a ten minute journey I really don't need to add a few hours to it - still add some as we start off by heading in the wrong direction, DOH!
But get there eventually and the find the usual suspects in the normal spot, it is great to see them I hadn't seen Imp for nearly a year and Blabber not since my Birthday last year so hugs all around toilet stop and off to the festival which for once isn't a bad get in 45 minutes from Sainsburys to Car Park and another bonus we are right next to the gate, pity the gate is the other side of the festival to where we camp but cant have everything.
Another 40 minutes is spent dragging all the kit from Gate D to Michael's Mead our chosen campsite but the weather is good and despite temptation to just dump stuff in a verity of different campsites we make it and meet up with Zane and Riff other fellow Meaders, being part of the advance gaurd has benefits as we get setup and watch the rest follow suite starting with my older brother and a workmate who is on her first Glastonbury. I love seeing people when they first come to Glastonbury truly there is nothing like the site no UK festival comes close to the sheer scale of Glastonbury.
Once everybody arrives the party begins and I mean the party begins as it was Zanes 50th Birthday a few weeks before the festival and I'd decided this event shouldn't go unmarked so all the meaders where given instructions to bring kids party supplies - really did try and keep this simple but possible I should have been clearer as party supplies seems to mean to some people Sausage rolls, 13 different types to be exact luckily I like sausage rolls lol
Then its of to the magical cider bus to meet up with the rest of the pants crew and partake of a few beverages to wash down the Birthday cake and sausage rolls, was a lot of fun drinking beer sitting on the grass just having a laugh made a massive change to the mud and sludge of previous years specially as the pants crew seems to grow each year.
The day finished off with Dory and myself having a wonder around the site just the two of us it was lovely and time together we very much needed.
Continued...
Glastonbury a review
Tuesday
The day we travel down to camp near the site and with previous issues over shadowing our run up to the festival meant we had nothing planned or organised so the morning was spent throwing stuff from bedroom, shed and bathroom into bags then throwing bags into the car. But never fear we had our trusty Sat Nav to (borrowed from the folks) to guide us to our destination the Isle of Avalon campsite in Glastonbury.
The Sat Nav had two route options shortest and Quickest both lead us through the centre of Milton Keynes and neither where a fats worth of good when it lead us out into the middle of nowhere and ditched us with no frigging signal in the wilds of Somerset - fucker!
Now I could moan and blame the Sat Nav but frankly its my own fault yet again I trusted to technology instead of my own knowledge, why do I do that M11 - M25 - M4 - M5 - A39 just under 4 hours with stops Sat Nav route Milton Keynes - Fuck knows - fuck knows - Bath - Fuck knows - Shepton Mallet - give up follow signs = 6 and a half hours.
Arrive in Glastonbury Isle of Avalon shattered but in reasonable spirits stuck up small over night tent to find we hadn't aired it since its soaking last Glastonbury so have the lovely smell of damp and mildew. Dory has the frankly genius idea of using the Neutradol car air freshener to clear out the smell which she does pity the Neutradol is akin to tear gas so tent is a no go area until the smell calms down a bit, which frankly was a blessing as it gave us chance to sink a few beers and chat with old friends when they returned from the pub was a nice night sleep was heavily interrupted by the comedy stylings of G, Scrapper and Ade and their 2 hour quick line before bed routine which had us almost on our knees laughing a funny end to a stressful day.
Wednesday
Up at 6am to be ready for a 7am pre-fest meet at the Sainsbury Carpark in Street - this obviously sounded a great idea before sitting up chatting to G etc until 4am! Anyway first things first pack tent away smell of mildew has returned with force so salvage tent pegs and the rest is left in one of the huge wheelie bins at the campsite as the chances of salvage where minimal. Then its off to Street to meet Imp and Blabber two friends we will be camping with during the festival.
Sat Nav is left dumped at the bottom of the bag Street is a ten minute journey I really don't need to add a few hours to it - still add some as we start off by heading in the wrong direction, DOH!
But get there eventually and the find the usual suspects in the normal spot, it is great to see them I hadn't seen Imp for nearly a year and Blabber not since my Birthday last year so hugs all around toilet stop and off to the festival which for once isn't a bad get in 45 minutes from Sainsburys to Car Park and another bonus we are right next to the gate, pity the gate is the other side of the festival to where we camp but cant have everything.
Another 40 minutes is spent dragging all the kit from Gate D to Michael's Mead our chosen campsite but the weather is good and despite temptation to just dump stuff in a verity of different campsites we make it and meet up with Zane and Riff other fellow Meaders, being part of the advance gaurd has benefits as we get setup and watch the rest follow suite starting with my older brother and a workmate who is on her first Glastonbury. I love seeing people when they first come to Glastonbury truly there is nothing like the site no UK festival comes close to the sheer scale of Glastonbury.
Once everybody arrives the party begins and I mean the party begins as it was Zanes 50th Birthday a few weeks before the festival and I'd decided this event shouldn't go unmarked so all the meaders where given instructions to bring kids party supplies - really did try and keep this simple but possible I should have been clearer as party supplies seems to mean to some people Sausage rolls, 13 different types to be exact luckily I like sausage rolls lol
Then its of to the magical cider bus to meet up with the rest of the pants crew and partake of a few beverages to wash down the Birthday cake and sausage rolls, was a lot of fun drinking beer sitting on the grass just having a laugh made a massive change to the mud and sludge of previous years specially as the pants crew seems to grow each year.
The day finished off with Dory and myself having a wonder around the site just the two of us it was lovely and time together we very much needed.
Continued...
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Meh
Title pretty much sums it up
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
I do really believe there should be there should be balance and sacrifice to when you achieve things, but recently it seems to have all been sacrifice and the gains have been little to none mostly just hopes of keeping what we already have. Now the next possible one will actually be sacrificing the precious little holiday/festival time, we have but the gains we could potentially get are fairly huge for us and certainly take a some pressure of us financially for the next few months and could mean greater financial security for the next year.
Which is great I just wish it felt a hell of a lot better or even that I could truly believe things will get better aaargh!
Friday, 20 June 2008
Update
Lots happened this week
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The good
Dorys job is safe
I've lost roughly 3 quarters of a stone in weight since late May
Dory has an interview for a new better job
Glastonbury is now NEXT WEEK!
Sorted the problems with the prescription for Migraine Meds now have 12 pills with a repeat when I need it
The bad
We fucked up our budgets AGAIN leaving us skint, not sure what the diet of pasta and erm pasta has done for the weight
Stomach problems made a bit of a come back last weekend, think Eggs on their own is now either off or at least going on the cut down list :( I like eggs
This week isn't Glastonbury week and I still have to wait for Glastonbury to begin.
The Ugly
Just get everything shored up so we can relax and have our Holiday for the year, but Dorys interview is next Friday whiled we are away at Glastonbury. Missing it isn't an option so it will be a 4 hour drive back on the Thursday then drive back Friday after the interview which along with being a pain in the arse it will cost £90 in petrol blowing what little spending money we have, add to this missing the meet with a load of my friends Thursday night and most of the bands I want to see are on Friday tis a real kick in the groin. Not going at all is an option and one in many ways I would be in favour of but getting the ticket cash back is not do able and I'll be buggered if I'll totally waste £300 odd quid. Our current hope is we can get the interview moved back a few days but we shall see to be honest the inner pessimist says it wont happen and the drama queen in me wants to wail about it being so unfair.
I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but this is our holiday for the fucking year why the fuck wont life piss off and give us a break!!!
On that note really struggling currently most of my friends are off to Glastonbury now for reasons above my enthusiasm is none existant so am kinda ducking them, not sure if that is the right thing to do but I'm shit at pretending happiness and don't want to drag down their enjoyment plus i feel like crap that I'll be missing a lot of what they are talking about.
Pointless martyr'ism or possible a good idea?
The power of triggers
Sorry the updates have been slow recently have been busy and for once fairly well balanced, tis good.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
A lot has got me thinking today concerning real world events and its effect on my depression, it does tend to spiral and not always as it should or at least how I feel it should. My mood and sense of feeling seems to work totally independently both crashing me down when I should be happy and yes even making me bounce when the shit hits the fan, I put the being up when stuff is rubbish down to feeling justified that yes I'm low because life is shit.
There are triggers health being a big one stress being another also possible one of the strongest and most noticeable factors is Sunlight dark mornings and dull days are a fooker bright sunshine and a bit of warmth I jump completely the other way (often to the point of regularly becoming quite manic) Seasonal Associated Disorder as they say.
Having knowledge of at least some triggers has actually been empowering to a degree, I know they are beyond my control but at least it is something there to talk me through the really rough times an understanding of why I'm feeling the way I do beyond "Oh its depression". Because I do feel at times it is easy to submit to it and give up because there is nothing that can be done likewise it is easy for others to fob it off as oh he has depression never taking into account there might actually be something wrong - or that's the paranoia talking, admittedly I don't have examples of that from recent memory but its always at the back of my mind specially when I whitter on about depression on here so much.
Tis funny I realise I have a lot I want to get out in this post but find myself rambling possible I'll make this weeks three posts today to try and separate issues.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Sweet memory
The rain on canvas
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
The sun reflecting on the Pyramid
The constant gaggle of random voices
The thud of a sound system somewhere
The test bleeps as the test sound levels
The clang of the long drop doors
The sound of the tent zip
The bounce of the walkways
The slup, slup, slup of feet in the mud
The feeling of dry grass
The hidden stages and places
The smiles of friends and randoms
The Big name acts
The random performers
The breakfast Beer
The Night cap
The 3am Doughnut hunt
The feeling of being there
The bastard mental wall
The moments where nothing is funny but you're laughing anyway
The Brutal but happy assault to all your senses
Glastonbury festival less than two weeks away!!!!!
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Epiphany
Sometimes coming out of a dark spot is a slow gradual release, sometimes it just happens.
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Today a lot of shit that has been loading me down suddenly feels lighter than it was because of one small realisation.
Its funny how that is often the way, now I know it isn't a depression thing as such because everybody has problems they have to deal with just possible depression creates more of this moments than normally would be the case.
So as it stands all my problems work, life, friends, family are all at a point where they need others to make a decision and act so really no point in me worrying about it yes in some cases it stands on a precipice and I know in my head I've decided how I'm going to handle things should they happen and some of those decisions are going to be painful but that's it its all reactionary so no point in stressing till it happens and once it does all I can be is me for whatever that costs.
I still worry about Dory but worry isn't helping her only being me can with help from her friends I'm sure it will all be fine, besides best thing I can do is be there for her and between you and me there is no where I would rather be.
So life my back has reached the wall and its fighting time bring it the fuck on
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Fear of being caught out
Bipolar or just a fucked up personality?
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
Don't know, but this will be another chunter about the nature of friendships and how they are effected by one or both of the above.
First off let me reiterate I am not a loner I feel there is nothing cool about being a loner, oh I'm more than happy to keep my own company but I do feel the need for other human company. Trouble is the one person in this world I really hate is myself which does have a tendency to detract things after all it is hard to trust others saying they like you when you have no belief in yourself.
Doesn't help that over the years I've taken this dislike out on myself in pretty much every way possible from physical self harm to drug and alcohol abuse which have all left their scars in some ways, these days its emotional self destruction with the amazing ability to over think everything, nearly always managing to take it to the most fucked up place.
- Classic example yesterday half an hour of muttering and swearing because a friend hadn't bothered to wish My wife a Happy Birthday shear fury over it, then I realised actually they in fact where one of the first to have done so and would have had to remember either late the night before or early that day - earlier than me in fact!
I really don't understand why people like me specially as I regularly give them reasons not to
I blame them and take my frustration out on others
I regularly swing off into a dark mood and cancel all plans without much notice
I sometimes demand the world be about me - then tell everybody to fuck off I'm sick of the attention.
I get manic regularly end up attempting to piss everybody off
(Wow this should be on Blog of lists - Vimes worst habits? Though he could probably think of far more)
I seemingly have piss all control over it recently managed to send a message which was meant to read "ignore me my head is all over the place this shit is going on but I realise that it is just my head talking not reality" actually when I read it AFTER sending it read as a page of ranting accusations and deranged ramblings - though I'm slightly concerned they didn't just read it as that and reply piss off and get over yourself. Do my friends trust me less than I trust them? Actually no that isn't a road I'm going to go down, I think my friends understand I'm a fuckwit I do know they don't understand how this fucked up condition effects me, but some my closest friends do seem to understand how the moods work. Which is sadly a big problem because it is these closest friends I wish to protect the most so often they get the worst of it.
You see once upon a time it was easy once I realised shit I may actually have a problem my friends dropped out like flies I was no longer into things I once was as I saw them as the attempts to self-destruct they where and moved on leaving me fairly alone for a long time until I found Internet message boards truly a great thing because I could be somebody else and hide impersonal behind a screen name - Okay the blog is the same idea but there you go - in real life what friends I have still around I can happily avoid and see when I'm on an up, leaving me with lots of other faceless individuals to interact with. Great except they aren't faceless anymore most the people I talk to now I've met shit some of them are now closer to me than most long term friends and the trouble is they are really good people far better at being friends than any I've ever known, my persona isn't faceless I cant just avoid them I go away to hide and the messages start I ignore those and the texts start I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HIDE!!!
I don't have the acumen to deal with this I don't know how to handle it and I know I regularly fuck it up, every time I fuck it up I feel guilty when I feel guilty I fuck it up further and they forgive I scream and shout and hurt like hell to make them go away and they are there closer than before but but.....
No excuses no where to hide
I can only compare it to Physiotherapy years ago I buggered my back up badly and had to undertake a years Physio just to be able to walk properly again, I hated the bitch Christ I hated her the exercises she nagged me into doing hurt the massage and manipulation hurt more. Mentally her never flustered never reactionary tone drove me up the wall, but after a year I was walking two or three miles no problem now I walk miles everyday with only the slightest limp only slightly worse when cold or tired and still I do those exercises. I sent her a bunch of flowers and Sparklie wine the first time I walked over a mile without taking a break.
I think deep down continued interaction will be better, hell it started this blog and for the first time I'm actually learning boundaries and not to hide. I still have to deal with the fear of them realising the truth that I'm not worth it after all the physio got paid for her work and also have to hope some how to learn that just because I feel I like them far more than they like me, it is just as likely they like me differently and with better understanding of friendship than I do.
Sorry this is a long post but it has a lot of bearing currently both in my own interaction and for a friend who read this blog and sent me her own story.
See you are not alone and yes I'm probably as fucked up than you lol
Monday, 9 June 2008
Happy new week
Well the weekend was fantastic chatting around a campfire till early hours consuming my body weight in beer and barbeque food with great friends and well at least on Sunday great weather, tis great.
Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....
A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.
Going to put a full post on some stuff going on in my mind once I can get it down but also it effects others I want to deal directly with them before posting here but the emotion behind it is something quite pertinant, more so in light of....
A big thank you for some of the messages recently some have been very touching some informative please keep them up and please leave comments I do attempt to reply to every message.
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