Today

90 years ago today the first world war ended, a day we attempt to remember the millions and millions of people of all nationalities who died fighting for one persons belief or another, most of all for me I remember today my Grandfather only a hero to those who knew him shot and wounded by a sniper in Notredame so he got an early trip home but was laid up in a military hospital until long after the end of the war. A man who never bragged of war who would rarely say more than a little about it all but today and on remembrance Sunday he would remember being there and his shoulders would drop for the friends he lost.

So today I remember and I shed a few tears not for him as such my memory of him are mostly happy, not for the millions of lives lost I have no comprehension of loss on that scale but because it continues and we seem to have learned nothing.

Sweet friend of misery

Depression is a lot easier to deal with when not smoking, I really thought it would be he other way round but it has been a lot better.

Petty there is so much going on to fuck with my head, money aside, there has been an ongoing situation concerning friends of mine now I love them dearly but I get the feeling I'm being given half truths and the run around about an awful lot of things one thing or another I think I've played a fairly good game with them certainly I've done my best to help and support them I think. But there it is trouble is whiled I wish they would just cut me out of things totally I really want to still be there for them.

Sour note

So Glastonbury tickets on sale Sunday for the first time they are doing tickets on an early bird like option, also for the first time in a very long time I wont be sitting sweating over a keyboard trying for a ticket. At least not a ticket for myself anyway.

Those good old Money problems again, whiled it is a nice idea that you can break down the cost of the ticket a bit with the deposit now and the rest at the end of February - therein lies my problem Glastonbury tickets equal 12 months of saving for us even on a normal year April - February is not 12 months and leaves us 2 months short so we would have to up the amount we save to cover those lost months, which frankly isn't going to happen.

And that's on a normal year this year has seen our compulsory spending jump by £150 not to mention petrol and other shit going up it has not made for a happy household in fact I'm really not sure we can afford Glastonbury at all next year which no doubt will be a major fucker for us emotionally but life really doesn't work on emotion any more does it?

Trouble is as I've learnt in the passed people don't get the fact we don't have the money, they look and see that we brought each other Birthday presents or coats for me or Handbags for Dory even the new tent and it doesn't register that we haven't brought other things like the CDs or tickets for 3 or 4 festivals or just the fact most of our food/drink and clothes comes from the bargain isles and the few treats we have our a big thing for us fuck em.

Bright side

Not all things are shit

As normal I am blessed with a wonderful wife who in her infinite wisdom brought me a guitar for my Birthday which is something I've always wanted to own and of course learn to play.

Not sure if she was quite ready for just how bloody bad my attempts to play it would be not sure if the litany of cHunK CHunK chUnk TwAng Fuckit was quite the melody she had in mind, but she is bearing up and keeping her grimaces to when I'm not looking bless her.

Which is only further proof that she is indeed an Angle of the highest order

For her benefit I have a friend who is giving me lessons and I'm sure won day we will be able to put this pain behind us and make wonderful music together.

Aargh!

Why do I always feel guilty when my Dad rings up?

Daft question I know what it is, its because I know Mum has given him an earful of whittling about us not getting in contact with them.

See Dads more like me, more laid back things happen when they happen - actually I'm not quite as chilled as him, but am more like him on this subject - and seemingly more understanding of the fact we don't talk every night trouble for me is, his tolerance to Mums whittling always breaks just as my brain starts to click "Oh must speak to the folks" and he normally gets in first ramping the guilt.

Oh yes and I do feel guilty, I wish I was a much better son for them hell I wish I was a better person all round. But I'm not shit I don't even feel that I try that hard to be better. My folks are great Dad is a hero and Mum constantly worked and worried to make life better for us growing up, yes we had rough patches some of them darker than others but we survived and mostly come out of things better than when we went in.

In short I love them to bits its me I have trouble with.

Only joking...

You know I often wonder if I'm kidding myself if really I'm tolerated instead of liked.

I'm not really sure if that thought displeases me because I must do something right just to be tolerated, nobody would tolerate somebody they don't like would they?

Erm I realise on reflection the questions a bit pointless as they aren't liable to read this, in fact who is reading this? As far as most of the people who use to are concerned this blog stopped without a trace a long time ago and I've yet to outwardly advertise that I'm running it again I should offer a prize to the first person who comments to say they are reading.

In fact there you go first person to comment on this blog gets a free piece of tat from my home, tis genius that should have you running to the comment box instantly.

On a similar note recent developments have lead to a musing again on the nature of friendships or at least my opinion of them. People do fucked up things including myself and my friends, sometimes my friends will do something I don't like whiled I will tell them of my dislike its not my job to judge them on it specially if their actions do not effect me. That's not to say I'd ignore blatant wrong doing but really if it doesn't concern me and they aren't making it my business then well its not my business.

Is that painfully naive?

Back....

So a much needed break was taken now a year since this began I'm back.

Some frankly major changes have happened since my last post possible the biggest being that as of yesterday I have been smoke free for a month, which considering it has been 3 years since I last even tried quitting is quite an achievement.

But more of that later in fact I'll dedicate an entire post to it just cause I'm more than a little proud of the achievements so far.

As always my understanding off the entire friendship thing vexes me , it has been a tough year people I thought I could rely on I've ended up needing to tell to back off whiled others have been there without call. I've decided to not save peoples feelings in this restart fuck'em I'm fairly sure I'll not say anything that cant be fixed if the friendship is worth it. As the year has rolled out we find out more and more just how badly Dory has been fucked over by somebody she befriended and trusted and if Dory who is a poster child for a good friend can be treated like that then I'm fairly sure I'll get no better anyway.

So normal tail of doom and gloom than?

No not entirely, actually quitting smoking seems to have had a major effect on the depression in that it hasn't been anywhere near as bad since stopping!

Who'd have thunk it quitting smoking good for you!!!!